Every Friday on GoMN.com Dana Wessel answers your questions. Music, sports, pop culture, whatever you want. Have a question? You can tweet them to @DanaWessel or email him at [email protected]. You can read the Ask Wessel archives here.
Q: Can you explain Bitcoin to me? – Ben
No. I cannot. Nor do I trust anybody who can explain Bitcoin.
Know what you should invest in besides Bitcoin? DWes Coins. Venmo $950 to me and I will send you back an image of a Dwes Coin. These can be used to purchase wings and beers (for me) across town.
Q: What is the most unrealistic thing about Home Alone? – Brian
Where do you even start? How does Kevin’s dad afford a trip to Paris for the entire family? Old man McCallister is wealthy enough to afford a trip to Paris for everyone but doesn’t think to have a home alarm system? How did Buzz eat that entire cheese pizza in like two minutes? Which awful family member got 8-year old Kevin hooked on black and white gangster movies? Why didn’t Kevin find an adult? Yes, the old man next door was creepy, but what about all the other houses on the block? Speaking of the other houses on the block, the hell didn’t the Wet Bandits just rob one of those? Why so set on the McCallister house? They had a crappy TV and an unfinished basement. What were they so hell-bent on stealing? That Michael Jordan cardboard cutout? C’mon.
But the most unrealistic thing is pretty obvious. In real life, two grown men, no matter how dumb, would have greased that 8-year old with absolute ease.
Q: Can you tell the full story [you started on Twitter] about punting a Jimmy John’s sandwich? – Jake
Sure! Here are the Tweets he is referring to:
So here is what happened: It was a late night in college around bar close. The time of night when drunk college kids stumble around Dinkytown like zombies in search of food or an after-party. I was walking by Jimmy John’s with a friend when a drunk guy eating a sandwich said something to hit on her. She ignored him and then he called her a certain not-so-pleasant word.
This set me off. So I just grabbed his sandwich out of his hands and punted it across the street. It was a perfect punt. The thing was just barely unwrapped so most of the sandwich stayed intact and flew through the air but some lettuce shot out like fireworks through the night sky.
The guy didn’t retaliate. He was just dumbfounded. The look on his face was the sort of look you can only make when a grown man grabs a sandwich out of your hands and punts it across the street. We just kept walking while my friend almost wet her pants from laughing so hard. It was glorious.
A man needs to live his life by a code, Jake. My code is that I will punt your sandwich across the GD street if you disrespect a woman in front of me.
Q: Definitive Star Wars movie ranking?! Episodes 1-8 only – Ryan
This so hard. Especially with The Last Jedi still so fresh. But I’ll give it a shot.
- Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back.
- Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
- Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
- Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
- Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
- Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
- Star Wars Episode II: The Clone Wars
- Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
There ya go. Flame away. You could jumble 2-5 in any order and I wouldn’t really be able to argue. Also, in case you were wondering, I’d put Rogue One somewhere in the five or six range.
Also, in case you missed it, I gave some spoiler-free thoughts on The Last Jedi after seeing it earlier this week.
Q: The trailers are framing it like this is going to be the last Pitch Perfect movie. Say it ain’t so – Jamie
Oh, come on. You know Hollywood. They will beat, crush, and wring out every ounce of money from a good thing. The first one cashed $65 million at the box office and the sequel nearly tripled that. If the third keeps making bank, then they will keep making movies. So go ahead and pencil in Pitch Perfect 10: Fat Amy in Space for Christmas 2030.
Q: Bartenders at the CC [Club] once tried to steal my fav sweatshirt. I’ve never been back & plan not to. Irrational or not? – Dan
I would never call someone irrational for refusing to go to a bar. I refused to go to the restaurant that was built on the spot where they tore down the old Cowboy Slims. My wife really wanted to go and I refused. Guess what? That place is out of business now. Same thing with when they closed down my beloved Old Chicago in Uptown and opened some crap bar. Refused to go near that place. Guess what? That place closed too. We call it the Wessel Curse. Don’t piss me off.
I love the CC Club, but I could definitely see something like a bartender trying to swipe a sweatshirt happening, it’s kind of like its own little world in there. When you walk in you are kind of leaving the outside world behind. One time a bartender didn’t like my wife’s jukebox selection so he just went and unplugged the effing thing from the wall. Everybody has seen something happen at Club that wouldn’t happen at just about any bar.
I don’t mean any of that as a knock, either. I love CC Club. It is a top-three bar for me in Minneapolis. I’d say we need more bars like CC Club, but they are impossible to create, and even attempting something like it would be phony and awful. Places like Club just sort of happen after multiple decades and degenerates.
Q: Need a verdict. Sneaking food into a movie theater as an adult. Cool or lame? – Andy
Eh, I am fine with it as long as it is within reason. Bringing in some Twizzlers or M&Ms from the gas station is fine. So is a bottle of water or pop or something. But anything that requires utensils or comes from a restaurant is taking it a bit too far. A few months ago I saw homeboy bring a burrito from Chipotle WITH chips. He had his salsa chilling on the armrest and everything. I was in shock. Part of me wanted to go take a selfie with him and his ‘rito just to commemorate the moment.
The prices of concessions suck, but unfortunately movie theaters gotta do it to stay afloat. I love seeing movies in theaters and I am terrified of them one day going the way of Blockbuster, so I put up with it. I am just glad more are adding bars and restaurants to the mix. I’d much rather get gouged on some cocktails than a 64-oz Dr Pepper.
Alright, that’ll do it for this week. Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! Home stretch of 2017. Everybody do your part to keep the dream alive as we get ready to flip the calendar.