Every Friday on GoMN.com Dana Wessel answers your questions. Music, sports, pop culture, whatever you want. Have a question? You can tweet them to @DanaWessel or email him at Dana@GoMN.com. You can read the Ask Wessel archives here.
Hello! Happy holidays to each and everyone of you out there. This will be the last Ask Wessel of the year. We are taking some time off to rest, relax, and, well, let’s be honest, party a little bit. But Ask Wessel will return better than ever (or slightly worse than it is now) in 2018. I really appreciate everyone who takes the time to read this bit of nonsense every week. Thanks for all your questions. I really have a blast writing this every week.
All right, onto the questions!
Q: N*SYNC’s original holiday song (“Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays”) is the best holiday song of them all. That’s not a question, but I think deserves a place in there somewhere. – Giselle
I really can’t argue with this statement. I absolutely love this song. It probably averages about 100 spins for me each holiday season. There is something about it that just really gets me. Maybe because it came out when I was in middle school and I have fond memories of listening to it with cute girls? I dunno. But it is infectious as all hell and makes me feel all warm inside. Here it is embedded for you to enjoy while you read the rest of this mailbag.
Q: Porgs or Ewoks: Who would win in a fight?? – Kevin
Before we get to the answer of this question, we should establish that Porgs effing rule. I am glad that none of the ridiculous The Last Jedi backlash was directed at our new doughy-eyed buddies. I want more Porgs. Give me an entire spinoff. Hell, screw the spinoff. Just call the next movie Star Wars Episode IX: Check Out These Porgs Doing Cool Sh*t for Two Hours.
That being said, Ewoks would mop the grass of Acht-To with Porgs. The Ewoks, for as annoying as they were, took out a damn AT-ST with some sticks and rope. They’d be feasting on Porgs faster than Chewie could let out a signature wail.
Q: Which gift from the 12 Days of Christmas would you most like to receive? – Jessica
Why just pick one? I think….I think we should do ***EXPLOSION SOUNDS*** 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS POWER RANKINGS!!!!!!!!!!
- Five Golden Rings – Pretty easy number one pick here. You can sell off those golden rings and get something cooler, like a gold Nintendo Switch or something.
- 12 Drummers Drumming – I have always wanted to be able to walk into a room and have my entrance music play, you know, like a WWE wrestler. This would be pretty cool, too. “Is…that? Yeah, that’s 12 drummers drumming, Dana must be about to walk into the room.”
- 11 Pipers Piping – They would accompany the drummers drumming to make an even more dynamic sound when I walk into a room.
- Nine Ladies Dancing – I mean, hey, why not?
- A Partridge in a Pear Tree – I’d love to have a pear tree in my backyard. Free pears! Who doesn’t like a free pear?
- Eight Maids a-Milking – Fresh milk? Nothin’ wrong with that.
- Seven Swans a-Swimming – Swans are peaceful animals. I wouldn’t be against having them swimming around in my backyard.
- 10 Lords a-Leaping – I am not positive what this is, but I know I don’t think I’d want it as a gift.
- Four Calling Birds – I feel like calling birds would just be loud and annoying.
- Two Turtle Doves – Eh, I don’t buy old man Duncan’s weak reasoning in Home Alone II for why Kevin should want the turtle doves. Lame gift.
- Three French Hens – I don’t particularly care for the French. I don’t want their hens.
- Six Geese a-Laying – Geese are evil, evil animals. If I were given Six Geese a-Laying I would immediately call my friends to come over to be Six Dudes a-Shooting.
Q: What is the best name for a boat? – Justin
If you get that reference then you are somebody I’d want to get beers with.
Q: How does Pitch Perfect III compare to the first two? – Amanda
Oh, it’s fantastic. I loved it. That shouldn’t really come as a surprise to anyone who knows me. I am a total Stan for these movies. I fire up the DVR to parts of the first two about once a weekend or so. It isn’t just my, uh, fandom of Anna Kendrick, either. I dig everything about these movies. The music, the characters, the humor, the self-awareness. They just leave me with a stupid amount of joy.
It definitely isn’t the best Pitch movie, but what third installment of a series (besides Toy Story) ever is? It is, however, a delightful 90-minute farewell (for now) for the characters that we love so much. It is exactly what you’d expect from the third installment of this series. Plenty of singing, call backs (I especially love when Beca references the fact they have yet to win a Riff-Off), and a subplot where the Bellas are kidnapped on a yacht, because why the hell not?
Overall, here is what I’d say about all three Pitch flicks.
Pitch Perfect – The best in the series.
Pitch Perfect II – The funniest of the series.
Pitch Perfect III – The goofiest of the series with a perfect sentimental ending to the trilogy.
Q: Is there a better Christmas themed actor than Tim Allen? Dude owned The Santa Clause trilogy, Christmas With The Kranks and was solid on that Netflix Christmas movie. Also Home Improvement Christmas episodes were the best ever! – Ross
Wow. You know what? I can’t even argue with this. I am having a hard time even coming up with somebody who could challenge the Tool Man here. He really is Mr. Christmas.
Just imagine the residuals he would make if the Christmas movies he made weren’t complete horse sh*t?
Q: Do you think we will ever get an Springsteen stadium show in the Twin Cities? – Collin
I don’t like the odds at this point. He is signed up to go through June with his current Broadway show with rumors of him heading to London shortly thereafter. So the absolute earliest we could see a summer E Street tour would be 2019. Plus, there is the fact that Bruce and E Street rarely do stadium tours west of Philadelphia. The demand for stadium shows away from the east coast just isn’t there the way it was in the 1980s.
But if I have learned anything from being a Bruce Springsteen fan it’s that you should always show a little faith, there’s magic in the night.
Q: With Diddy apparently being serious in his wish to buy the Panthers (I’ll believe it when it happens) which celebrity would you most like to see buy into the NFL? – Philip
Gary Busey. That would just be fun to watch. Somebody stake him.
Just kidding. I’d take any famous person that isn’t a rich white dude. The NFL ownership group is comically old and white. How about Beyonce and Oprah as co-owners? I’d be down with that.
Q: Would the world be better if farts smelled good? – Grumpus
No. Absolutely not. Farts smelling bad is 50% of the humor. I am not sure the world would have made it this long if we didn’t have the hilarious one-two punch of ridiculous-sounding farts followed up shortly by the payoff of the stench.
You know what? That seems like a good question to end 2017 on.
Alright, that’ll do it for this week and for the third year of Ask Wessel. Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the New Year. Thanks again for taking the time to read these. May all your holiday and New Year’s wishes come true. Talk in 2018.