This is an actual photo of Dana, completely subsumed by grief.

Every Friday on GoMN.com Dana Wessel answers your questions. Music, sports, pop culture, whatever you want. Have a question? You can tweet them to @DanaWessel or email him at Dana@GoMN.com.

Well hello there. Once again we have a question directed at my wife Heather. For the record, I edit nothing from her answers when she responds to these. Take it away, Heather!

Q: This question is for [Dana’s wife] Heather. Tell us an embarrassing story about Dana he probably doesn’t want told. – Amanda

[Editor’s Note: Heather took the wheel on answering this one]

Just like all of us, sometimes Dana just needs a good cry.  There is nothing wrong with that. The thing that makes Dana unique is his cry routine. He doesn’t just put on the latest episode of This is Us or listen to Jewel’s “You Were Meant for Me” on repeat like the rest of us. He has a very specific and repetitive cry lineup.

The line up always starts with the last scene of Mighty Ducks 2. He will watch the end of that and get a little misty eyed. One tear will trickle down his cheek. Next is the last 10 minutes of the final episode of Cheers followed by a bunch of soccer clips that mean nothing to me, but must be significant for some reason because the tears are slowly rolling.

 Next comes some random scene from Friday Night Lights [Note from Dana: Riggins’ final game, duh]. I don’t know what it is about, but the coach is talking to his wife outside of a bus or something. Dana isn’t so much crying here as he is quoting every line and his voice is choked with emotion. The comes his favorite clips from The Wire, certain Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductions, and obviously a few scenes from the Fast and Furious franchise.

After all that, when his eyes are all warmed up and he is ready to wail, he will put in the DVD Springsteen, and I and fast forward to the last 10 minutes where a girl named Jillian reads a letter she wrote to Bruce. As she finishes the letter, a montage of Bruce and the legendary E Street Band performing “Born to Run” starts to roll. The montage shows footage spanning from the 1970s through the 2010s. This scene is enough to bring Dana to full on sloppy, snotty crying. After that he wipes his eyes, blows his nose, and is ready to go back to his job of making the world laugh.

I am pretty sure that if anyone else watched this lineup they would feel confused and honestly pretty bored. But the cocktail of soccer clips, the last 10 minutes of things, and Springsteen is Dana’s best medicine.

It was obviously hard to pick just ONE answer to this question. Here is a list of other embarrassing things you can ask him about at the next Foodie Friday Live event:

  •         The time he “sashay-step-leaped” over a puddle in Minneapolis.
  •         The time he ate so many meatball samples at the grocery store that I had to buy two bags just to make up for it.
  •         The time he cleared out an Ikea line with a fart.
  •         That time he forgot to comb his hair on our wedding day.
  •         The time he filled up on gas station hot dogs on Easter and didn’t save enough room to eat my Mother’s home-cooked ham.
  •         The time he passed up on eating Gelato in Italy…only to eat a McDonald’s ice cream cone later that day.
  •         That time he asked Bishop Briggs if he could eat one of her bananas and she was like “Uh…sure….”

[Dana wipes away the tears and returns to his keyboard]

Well alright then! Thank you Heather…I think. Back to your regularly scheduled mailbag!

Q: Can you please make it stop snowing? – Michelle

I unfortunately do not possess the power to make it stop snowing. Maybe if we built a giant glass dome around Minneapolis like in The Simpsons Movie? But that just sounds like a logistical nightmare. I say we just tough it out a little longer. We’re almost there.

The annoying thing about this extended winter is it means spring will last like nine seconds in Minnesota. We already barely have a spring in this state as it is and now it has been usurped even more. It is basically going to be snowy mess one week and then all of a sudden be a humid 100-degree scorcher with mosquitos everywhere.

Is there a state that has a year-round climate in the 60s and 70s? That’s my sweetspot. Anything in the mid-80s or higher just gets annoyingly hot. I am the type of guy who can’t even walk to the mailbox when it is that hot without it looking like I got sprayed in the armpits by a firehose. I tip my hat to those of you that like the heat, but I hate it.

Q: If the internet suddenly stopped working everywhere for everyone, what would you do tomorrow? – Jaron

Good god. I have no idea. We’d all have to go outside to talk to each other? That sounds awful. No internet means no Amazon. So we’d all have to go to Target and shop? Woof. No Twitter which means I would have no way to send out stupid inside jokes to multiple people at once? What then? Maybe I’d just go get drunk and walk around town shouting “HOOTERS FROM BIG DADDY!” at people.

I’d probably just go to the grocery/liquor store and stock up on as much stuff as possible. Once I thought my wife and I had everything we needed I’d board up the doors to our house to try to wait out the internet-less apocalypse we have suddenly found ourselves living in. But then we would almost immediately get into a debate about some trivial piece of pop culture, like if Emilio Estevez has ever hosted SNL before and have no way to look it up AND OH MY GOD LIFE WITHOUT THE INTERNET SEEMS AWFUL I AM JUST GOING TO STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.

Q: We are now on the clock [to host] the Final Four next year. Apparently they have to hang curtains over all of the glass to block the sun from coming in. How do you suggest they do that? – Curtis

Blow the thing up and rebuild the Metrodome. Don’t remember them ever needing to hang curtains in that beautiful building.

I am actually looking forward to the Final Four coming and going. I am excited for it and all, and I think it will be great for the city of Minneapolis, but once we are past it we can focus on the real reason we built that airplane hanger over there…landing WRESTLEMANIA! WOOOOOO!

Q: I work with a guy named Doug who insists people call him Dougie. I can ignore that request, right? – Bryan

Well, that depends, are you and Doug 10-years old who run a lemonade stand together? Then his request of “Dougie” is perfectly acceptable. Are you over the age of 10 and work literally anywhere besides a lemonade stand? Then no, his name is Doug.

There is one other exception. Do you work with Doug Mientkiewicz? He is the only grown man who is allowed to go by Dougie.

As long as we are on the topic of adults with ridiculous nicknames, I am really glad we no longer have a quarterback who insists people call him Teddy. Just obnoxious.

Q: Has anyone ever actually slipped on a banana peel? – Brett

Humans? No. Go-karts? Yes. If video games have taught me anything is that a single banana peel is enough to make an entire go-kart skid out. It’s science, Brett.

Alright, that’ll do it for this week! Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend. Spring will be here eventually, I promise. Until then, do whatever it takes to keep the dream alive.

Keep your questions coming to @DanaWessel on Twitter, in the comments section below or email them toDana@GoMN.com

%d bloggers like this: