Q: I’m starting a new job in a week. What are a few things you must do your first day at a new company? – T.J.
Well, there is all the obvious stuff. Don’t be late, wear something nice, keep the farting to a minimum, shake hands with everyone. You know all that sorta stuff.
I also find it best to just sorta ease into things as well. Just learn the new job and the flow of the office the first couple days. Don’t try to do too much on day one. Last thing you want is get overly ambitious and have some colossal F-up. That is the most surefire way to go from ‘New Guy’ to ‘Guy Who Deleted the Company Website on Accident’ or ‘Guy Who Somehow Managed to Set the Copier on Fire and Caused Third-Degree Burns on James from Accounting.’ Don’t need that. Neither does James.
The other go-to move for a new employee is to bring food. That’s not a bad play, maybe wait until the first Friday of your tenure rather than looking like the suck-up on day one. Also, when it comes to office food, can we branch out from donuts? I feel like that has somehow become the default. We need to change that. Step your game up and bring in some breakfast sammies. Breakfast sammies are far superior to donuts and everyone knows it. Another good option is breakfast tacos. You can pick up a bunch from R. Taco. That’s the way to win over your colleagues. Screw donuts.
Q: Is there anything worse than the internet being down at work? What should I do? – Heather?
Oh, man, the internet going down is the worst. Everybody kinda looks around and realizes they have to talk to each other FACE TO FACE and not over email. It is so rough. Especially once everybody has commented on the fact the internet is down AND on the weather, then everybody is just out of conversation topics.
Person 1: Hey I think the internet is down.
Person 2: Yeah, it is down for me too.
Person 1: Ah, damn. This sucks.
Person 2: Totally.
Person 1: Man, how about this heat lately?
Person 2: Right? So hot. Thank goodness for air conditioning.
Person 1: Yeah!
Person 2: ……
Person 1: ……
***Both their heads explode from awkwardness***
Q: What is the percentage of car alarms that go off because they are thwarting a would-be robber and what percentage is because somebody accidentally hits the panic button on their keys? I ask because we are going on minute 30 of a car alarm going off outside my office. – Kris
It is 100% to zero in favor of car alarms just going off by someone bumping their keys. No car alarm has ever scared away a bad guy except in the movies. It is always somebody bumping their keys from inside a store and not realizing it until the horn has gone off 5,000 times driving everybody within earshot crazy.
I routinely scare the crap out of my neighbors on accident because I am good for at least three or four accidental panic button pushes a month as I am fumbling for my keys when I leave the house at like 4am. Goooooooooooood morning, Uptown!!!!
Q: You could be one of the best American Ninja Warrior contestants of all time, or the last man on the bench of an NBA team. What do you pick? – Andrew
NBA player. No question. The minimum NBA salary is $543,471. Nobody is making that on Ninja Warrior. You get $1,000,000 if you finish the final course but so far only like two people have ever done it. The rest of the Ninjas barely get anything. I did some Googling and you are lucky if they even pay for your travel and hotel to compete on the show. There really is no shortage of people willing to run an obstacle course for little to no money, apparently.
Plus, the NBA lifestyle is just so much better than that of an amateaur obstacle course runner. Private flights, hotels, catered food, and you don’t even have to play in the game? That sounds like heaven.
Q: One of my best friends has the worst taste in karaoke songs. Like all he does is the standard Journey, Bon Jovi crap like that. How do I tell him he is embarrassing and needs to knock it off? – JC
Eh, why do you need to say anything? I am not a fan of karaoke-shamers. This isn’t your personal show. If your dude wants to pound some brews and belt out “Don’t Stop Believing,” who cares? More power to him. Just use that as an opportunity to go to the bathroom or grab a beer if it is that bad. There are no bonus points for deep cuts in karaoke.
Besides, I find the people that suck at karaoke to be more entertaining than the people that think they are one chance encounter with Seacrest away from being the next American Idol. It’s just a bunch of drunk people in a bar. Have some fun with it, man.
Q: One of my goals in life is to have a burger named after me. There is this bar I go to and every time I order the same burger with weird ingredients. Horseradish, onions, beer cheese gravy. I don’t ask about the name thing. I don’t want to be pushy. I want it to happen organically – Chicken Fingerz
Well, you are doing a few things right here, C-Fingz. First of all, you aren’t forcing it. That would be the worst way to go about this, so I give you props for trying to make it happen organically. If you were doing the “…I bet ME…Mr Chicken Fingerz is the ONLY one who gets this burger, huh?!” with a wink-wink-nudge-nudge to the waitress every single time you ordered it, you would just be annoying. Wait for the restaurant to pick up on your order rather than jam it down their throats.
Second, and probably more important, is that your burger sounds absolutely disgusting so there is no way somebody else is vying for that specific burger to be named after them. You have the market cornered, so you got that going for you, which is nice.
I have only met one person that has the great honor of having a burger named after him and that is Twins manager Paul Molitor. He has a burger at the Nook in St Paul named after him that is a juicy lucy with pepper jack. It is delicious. So maybe if all else fails with the horseradish you could try getting 3,000+ hits and win a World Series? I dunno. Just spitballing here.
Alright, that’ll do it for this week. Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! June is here. Get out there and keep the dream alive! Be back for more next week.