Every Friday on GoMN.com Dana Wessel answers your questions. Music, sports, pop culture, whatever you want. Have a question? You can tweet them to @DanaWessel or email him at Dana@GoMN.com. You can read the Ask Wessel archives here.

Well hello there. Sorry for skipping last week’s mailbag. I was in Orlando hanging out at the pool with my wife and cheering on my beloved USMNT to victory over Panama before they broke all our hearts by failing to qualify for the Wolrd Cup on Tuesday. Everybody in Orlando was so cool and friendly. Not typically a big fan of the state of Florida, but we had the best time.

One weird thing before we get to the questions. Did you know you can smoke in bars in Orlando? I was blown away. The smoking ban went down here locally before I was 21. I noticed the haze of smoke and almost spazzed and yelled “fire” like the “nobody drink the beer! The beer has gone bad!” kid in Can’t Hardly Wait. It was a locals’ hole in the wall like CC Club or Liquor Lyle’s so I definitely would have looked like a total idiot.

Q: Are you OK [after the U.S. didn’t qualify for the World Cup]? – Parker


Q: Follow-up: Do you think you will ever be OK? – Aaron

I dunno.

Q: Who is your dream pick for USMNT coach AND what do you think his or her favorite appetizer is? – Dwade

I have been advised by professionals to not talk much about this until I am emotionally ready. I predict I will address it in an edition of Ask (Grandpa) Wessel in about 2067.

Q: How much food do I need to survive life in a bunker until 2022 WC Qualifying starts? – Batchers

Jesus, enough with the soccer questions!! Doesn’t ANYBODY want to talk about Fast and the Furious or something?

Q: What do you make of the tension that is permeating the Fast/Furious set since Paul Walker’s death? He was the glue, wasn’t he? – Chris

Oh, thank god. That is much better.

Tough to really speculate on how much of this has to do with Paul’s death. It is obvious he meant a lot to everybody involved in the series, but I feel like we were heading down this path regardless. Whenever you get rich men with huge egos together there is bound to be tension, especially with all the success they’ve had.

I am sure there is some jealousy towards the Rock from the rest of the cast. He is the biggest star in the world. He doesn’t even really need the Fast flicks. He is red-hot. But the rest of the cast? This is kinda all they got. Vin has tried to launch multiple other franchises (XxX, Riddick, etc.) and none have really taken off. And it isn’t like Tyrese and Ludacris are shipping tons of records these days.

If this were one of those Behind the Music episodes we’d be at the part where the tensions in the band are threatening to break them up. Hopefully we get to the part of the story where they settle their differences and get on with it soon. I DON’T NEED THIS RIGHT NOW. GET IT TOGETHER, MEN.

Q: When do the shorts go away for the season? Is there a date? A certain temp it has to hit? – Matt

I am the wrong guy to ask. I’ll wear shorts well into November. I dream all summer of the shorts/hoodie/puffy vest combo. Those daydreams get me through the 100-degree humidity sweat-fest.

I haven’t switched to pants yet. Partly because it is still warm and partly because I made a short-sighted drunken decision this summer to turn all of my jeans into jorts. I am currently a grown-ass man that doesn’t own any jeans.

Q: Me and my friends were talking about this the other day. If you could push a button and be granted one skill, what would it be? Nothing like superpowers, but something realistic. Something that wouldn’t be uncommon for your average guy to be great at. I said guitar. – Joe

My first thought was guitar, too. Guitar is one of those things I never tried but have convinced myself that if I had an axe and amp at age 12 I’d be Slash right now. But then I thought about it some more and decided I’d pass on the guitar. I would have ABSOLUTELY been that douche in the dorms that would play his guitar with his door open hoping girls would walk by and hear me. There is no doubt I’d also be GUITAR AT THE PARTY GUY. I did a lot of dumb things in college, but I don’t think I could live with myself today if I had been Guitar Douche.

I think I’d love to be one of those guys that is just extremely handy. The type of guy that knows how to fix anything, and even if he hasn’t fixed it before, he could just figure it out with some MacGyver magic. I am the type of guy that is pretty helpless with a tool box. Being the guy that could fix anything would be pretty cool. I once had to YouTube how to unclog a toilet.

Q: So when I was growing up, my dad bet me that I couldn’t drink soda for a year and if I didn’t, I could pick a day and do whatever I wanted with him. For the record when I completed that challenge (in ‘92) my day consisted of going to Circus Circus, then LEGO Land and seeing Aladdin in the MOA theater. Anyways, if this concept/bet was made to you today, and just ignore the fact that you’re an adult and could most likely actually plan this out, what would your dream day look like? – Patrick

Honestly? I’d have to say Circus Circus, Legoland and seeing Aladdin. You really nailed that day, Patrick. They should make a Ferris Bueller sequel starring you.

Q: I have tickets for 4 showings of The Last Jedi opening weekend. What do I do if it’s not good?! – Ryan

I guess see a sh*tty movie four times?

But I honestly don’t think that it’s possible that The Last Jedi sucks. This year has crapped all over the world way too much the past 10 months. No chance that director Rian Johnson serves up a Phantom Menace-sized turd, right? RIGHT? OH DEAR GOD TELL ME I AM RIGHT!

Q: What kind of end zone celebration would you like to see in the NFL? – Tim

I love that Goodell finally loosened his undies on the whole touchdown celebration thing. I loved the Duck Duck Grey Duck bit the Vikings did (but not the stupid debate that ensued after). The NFL was taking itself way too seriously for a long time. It is a game being watched by drunk people. Have some fun with it.

BUT I would like to see these get even more elaborate. Maybe attach some scoring system to it. Extra points and two-point conversions are dumb, so what if we had judges award extra points based on the celly? Three judges would confer and award either zero, one or two points after every touchdown. This would make the games a lot more entertaining to me. It would create moments like these.

Al Michaels: “Do you believe this?! The Patriots just won the game with a two-point conversion by acting out the entire Broadway version of Newsies! Gronk’s “Santa Fe” solo really put it over the top!

Q: Should a Minnesota sports team change their name to the Minnesota Gray Ducks? I vote yes and it should be the Minnesota Wild. – Brian

ABSOLUTELY! I have been part of the brigade that thinks the Wild is the worst name in sports for quite some time. We deserve better here in Minnesota. I still can’t believe that’s what they went with when we finally got hockey back. They had like eight years to think about it and Wild was the best they did? C’mon. The Minnesota School Bus Fires would have been a better name than the Wild. Gray Ducks it is!

All right, that’ll do it for this week. Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend!

Keep your questions coming to @DanaWessel on Twitter, in the comments section below or email them to Dana@GoMN.com

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: