We’re not 100% sure if this dog has eyes. Photo by Jack Grassa
Q: Why do only ugly dogs win that dog show every year? – Benny
I totally agree with this. Every single year I see the picture of whatever dog won the Westminster Dog Show and it is always some shaved rat looking thing or some poofy goat looking thing. Enough. I am sick of the pretentiousness of the Westminster Dog Show. Too much pomp, too much elitism. That’s why I present you with an idea that is going to change dog shows as we know them today. That’s right…forget EVERYTHING you know about dog shows which, to be honest, hopefully isn’t very much.
Here it is…The Dana Wessel Good Dog World Championships. This will be the everyman dog competition for the dogs that specialize in crapping on expensive rugs rather than prancing down a runway with their head held high in front of thousands of people. One where we bring together all the regular dogs. The hardly-trained dogs, the matted dogs, and the mutts.
Here are some of the categories they would be judged in the Dana Wessel Good Dog World Championship.
- Funniest Nap Position — Don’t you just love when a good dog sprawls on its back with its feet in the air. Or maybe sleeps on the edge of the couch with their head hanging off while having sweet, sweet puppy dreams? Just the best.
- Tail-Chasing Competition — Nothing better than seeing a silly dog chase his own tail. This will be a big section of the DWGDWC.
- Best Reaction to Seeing Themselves in a Big Mirror — I love when good dogs see themselves in the mirror. The judges will determine which dog has the best reaction. Do they bark? Grawl? Try to kiss themselves? Whimper at the site of a dog because they think they are a human? WE SHALL SEE!
- Weird Skills — Can your good dog get beer from the fridge? Skateboard down the driveway? Jump off a diving board? Get woke up by its own farts? Super good at making huge messes? Do a 360 degree jump? All of these will be displayed in the DWGDWC.
- Best Happy/Excited Face – You know how cute a dog looks when it gets really happy or excited about something? Perhaps the sight of you coming home or you holding a delicious treat in your hand? This will be another factor in the judging of my new dog championships.
So there you have it. Does your dog have what it takes to win the grand prize of Goodest Dog In Show at the Dana Wessel Good Dog World Championships? DETAILS SOON!
Q: Will it ever stop snowing? – Christy
Yes, eventually it will. I know the last few weeks have been worse than finding out your significant other is one of those people that played Farmville on Facebook, but we will get through it.
I know this advice may sound dumb or ring hollow, but just think about how great that first patio beer of the season will be in a few months? We will have earned it. We will cheers like damn hell ass kings!
In the meantime, take advantage of some lazy indoor activities. Binge the hell out of every show on Netflix, beat that video game you have been forgetting to get back to, do that thing where you take the clothes out of your closet and thank them before throwing them away or whatever. If none of that works, go stay in a hotel for a weekend that has a bomb water slide and a sauna. That’ll cure some winter blues.
Q: Who should play Batman [in the next movie since Ben Affleck dropped out]? – J.T.
Nobody. How about we just give Batman a rest for a little bit? Would that be too much to ask? They clearly won’t do that, but it honestly might be for the best. Make us miss Batman for a bit.
The Dark Knight was such a transcendent film that no Bat movie will come close to living up to it anytime soon. The reason they were able to get away with making like 46 Spiderman movies in a four year span with nine different dudes playing Spidey is because none of them came close to reaching the levels of Dark Knight. Sure, the first and second Tobey MaGuire ones were great comic book movies, but didn’t come near the level of Heather Ledger as the Joker and Christian Bale sacrificing his voice for our enjoyment.
So that’s my opinion. Put Batman on the shelf for a bit. But that clearly won’t happen since you could roll Mario Lopez out there in a Batsuit and it would make 5 billion dollars, but thanks for listening to my dumb answer anyway.
Alright, that’ll do it for this week! Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! Everybody stay warm this weekend and let me know if you go to the arcade.