Every Friday on GoMN.com Dana Wessel answers your questions. Music, sports, pop culture, whatever you want. Have a question? You can tweet them to @DanaWessel or email him at Dana@GoMN.com. You can read the Ask Wessel archives here.
Q: Why didn’t you run for Minneapolis Mayor? – Nathan
Are you kidding? It took me until I was like 24 to realize the cherry/spoon thing wasn’t located at the airport. I’d be a disaster. Plus, I am too far gone to ever have a job where I can’t wear cut-off jean jackets and bandannas whenever I want. I would be the worst mayor in history.
Q: If you lost a political election would you be a gracious loser, or contest the results? Oh nm, I think we know. – Murph
Yeah, if you know me at all, you know where this is heading. I watched way too much WWE growing up to be a gracious loser. Here is how it would go down…
SCENE: Election headquarters of Jacob Frey, where the newly elected mayor is walking on stage for his victory speech.
Frey: “People of Minneapolis, I want to start out by saying…”
Dana’s entrance music hits, Frey is shocked, his supporters looking around anxiously. Dana walks up onstage and stares Frey down with before stepping up to the mic.
Wessel: “Now, I know that it’s tradition to make a phone call to concede in an election. But that’s not the way I roll. I wanted to come down here in person, Frey. I wanted to come down here, look you in the eye, look all your fans in the eye, and extend my hand to congratulate you….”
Frey’s look of shock turns to a smile, and his supporters let out a sigh of relief, realizing Dana came in peace to congratulate the new mayor. Frey extends his hand to meet Dana’s for a gentleman’s handshake.
Wessel: “…congratulate you on being the biggest piece of trash I have ever met!”
BOOM! Dana hits Frey with a Stone Cold Stunner. He is out cold. The place is in shock. Gasps and screams come from all over the ballroom. One of his handlers comes running on stage to help. BOOM! He gets Stunned too. Chaos ensues. People being running towards the exits. Dana steps back up to the mic.
Wessel: “You thought I was coming to congratulate you and let you become mayor?? UH-UH! D-WES DON’T THINK SO!!!”
Dana then grabs the document that Frey was about to sign that would officially make him mayor [I realize this isn’t how it’s done, but we’re in WWE world now].
Dana pulls a pen out and goes to sign the document himself. Then, Frey’s campaign manager comes up to the podium, and everyone thinks he is about to intervene. He stops, smiles at Dana, and motions to the document. HEEL TURN! Dana signs the document and becomes mayor of Minneapolis
Wessel: That’s right, Frey! Your campaign manager was working for me all along! I am the mayor of Minneapolis now! Hit my music!
The campaign manager and Dana walk out with our arms raised. Dana is then promptly arrested for trespassing, creating a public disturbance, inciting a potential riot, and assaulting a public official.
Q: Is Taylor Swift an alien? – Marcus
Maybe! I have no evidence to support that theory but I definitely wouldn’t rule it out. Something strikes me as a bit off about Swifty. She is just so protected and manufactured. It’s like she isn’t even a person. Maybe she is a robot?!? An extreme brand-conscious robot that was made in some corporate factory to maximize brand synergy and adulation.
Now before you Swifties egg my house or pee in my gas tank, I actually really like Swift. Well, her music at least. She has bangers. You ever crank Tay Tay on the treadmill? You feel like you can run through a brick wall. So I dig her tunes and think she is a great influence for young girls everywhere.
But that said, it wouldn’t surprise me if she was actually a Terminator. A Terminator programmed to make people very rich.
Q: I got a new job and the lone bathroom is all the way on one end of the building and doesn’t get cell service or pick up our wifi. This takes me out of my routine if you catch my drift. Any suggestions? – Danny
I assume you are talking about looking at your phone on the toilet, right? I mean, I hope that is what you are talking about here. No need to beat around the bush when it comes to checking your phone on the toilet, Danny. Everybody does it. Men, women, children. Hell, I even saw a golden retriever pawing through an iPad while he grunted one out in the neighbor’s lawn last week.
This is a tough situation. That extra few minutes catching up on social media or text messages is crucial during the workday. It’s like a mini-break. I guess you could download a game that doesn’t require service? But that just isn’t the same. We live in the age where need to be consuming content at all times — even in the stall — and Angry Birds just isn’t going to cut it.
I guess you could go old-school and bring the newspaper with you when you head to the bathroom. However, you said this is a new job. The last thing you need is your nickname shifting from New Guy to Newspaper Crapper Guy this early into your tenure.
I say your best bet is to refresh your Twitter feed right before you head in or have an article already up so you have something to read.
That’s the easy solution. But do you want to be the office hero, Danny? If so, then install a wireless router in the bathroom. No doubt your colleagues have been dealing with this issue for a while. Step up and be the bathroom hero your company deserves.
Q: Will you come to my house and play me in a game of cribbage while my kids are loud, make a mess, and don’t pick up after themselves? – Cory
I don’t know how to play cribbage. Make it a high-stakes game of Don’t Break the Ice and you have yourself a deal.
Q: What should we do next summer to distract ourselves [from the US not being in the World Cup]? – Dylan
This is a funny question because there are two very polar opposite ways of looking at this in my household. My wife was planning on going out of town throughout the duration of the World Cup because I turn into an absolute crazy person watching the US play in the WC. It’s bad. I am not proud of it. But it only comes but once every four years and I take it quite seriously.
But now that the US failed to qualify, she doesn’t have to leave town. But now I want to get the hell out of town to try to take my mind off of things. What country doesn’t care about soccer at all (spare me your “You already live there!” jokes)? That’s where I want to go. Maybe just go rent a hut somewhere in some small nation where I can just pretend the World Cup isn’t even happening.
In all honesty though, I am hoping the hurt goes away by the time June rolls around and I can just enjoy the matches as a neutral. That’s what I hope happens. But let’s be honest, that would be the mature way to handle things and I am far from a mature 32-year old. I am worried I’d drink too much at Brits and just stumble around going on incoherent rants about tactics from the Trinidad & Tobago match and finding a way to blame everything on Robbie Findley.
Q: If you had to punch one human in the face, and Harry Kane was NOT an option (Go Spurs), who would that person be and why? – Michael
You for being a Spurs fan.
Q: Who ya got in the [Jeopardy!] Tournament of Champions? – Chad
Spoiler alert for monsters (hi mom and dad!) who DVR Jeopardy! and watch them all over the weekend instead of real J! fans who watch each day
I love the ToC. Probably my favorite TV event of the year (or every other year). Tournament J! Is the best and there is nothing better than the Tournament of Champions. These people are so brilliant. It is so humbling to watch because, while I can do pretty well during regular J!, I am clueless when it comes ToC matches.
Heading into this thing I had Austin Rogers winning this thing easily. But wow, did he get his ass kicked by Alan Lin on Wednesday or what? Maybe Austin needed the wakeup call? He will no doubt get a Wild Card spot in the semifinals so he is still alive.
Given all that, I think I will stick with my pre-tournament pick Austin Rogers. Buzzy Cohen and Pranjal Vachaspati have played well, and Seth Wilson (who, like Rogers, also won 12 games, just did it in less charismatic fashion) has yet to play in the first round (I submitted this Thursday morning).
Sticking with my boy Austin. I would love to see his style of play in the two-day final. Either way, it still very much anybody’s ToC.
Q: This isn’t really the best time of the year, is it? – Mandy
You know what? I wouldn’t have said this until a few years ago but I definitely think this is the best time of year. Quit being such a scrooge and embrace the holidays. It is much more fun just to get into the spirit of the thing.
I actually already got vetoed by my wife when I asked if it was too early to put up the Christmas tree. Let’s crank some NSYNC Christmas album and do this thing!
Alright, that’ll do it for this week! Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! Everybody have fun out there and do your part to keep the dream alive.