Every Friday on GoMN.com Dana Wessel answers your questions. Music, sports, pop culture, whatever you want. Have a question? You can tweet them to @DanaWessel or email him at Dana@GoMN.com. Come party over here if you want to read the Ask Wessel archives.
Hey! Gonna be at the Fair on Sunday? Come by the Go Zone and hang out with Ben, Giselle and myself. We will be hanging out from 5 p.m. to 9 p.m. playing tunes and hanging out. Come bond. Bro-hugs for one and all.
Q: Has it become a faux pas to curve the bill of a baseball cap? Have you ever met anyone that you liked that uses words like “faux pas”? – Brian
Sure seems like it. I don’t really wear hats anymore. More of a bandana kinda guy lately. But I always make sure the brim is flat whenever I do wear a hat. What if I run into some cool teenagers and they make fun of me for having a curved hat?! I could never recover from that. Teenagers terrify me.
I am fine with the flat brim. I feel like it is a nice change from the overly curved hats we wore a decade or so ago. You know those ones that are folded so much it the edges of the brim are practically touching? That was no dice. Yeah, the flat brim may be an overcorrection, but I will take it over those taco bends any day.
The one thing I can’t get on board with…
…is leaving the sticker or tags on a hat. That just looks ridiculous. C’mon people.
Q: Do you think Conor McGregor could outrace a shark? – Kevin
Probably not, but I’d love to find out. I know the guy is a dumbass meathead, but I kinda like him after watching the fight. I’d love it if every few months McGregor just showed up and took part in a random sporting event.
Conor McGregor playing point guard for the Lakers? Hell yeah. McGregor playing goalie for the Boston Bruins? Let’s go! McGregor doing rhythmic gymnastics at the 2018 Olympics? I’m watching. So are you. Doesn’t even have to be sports. Let him host The Price is Right. I don’t care. I just want more Conor McGregor.
Q: If you were on Wheel of Fortune pairs, who would you pick as your partner? – Angela
You wouldn’t catch me dead on pairs week on Wheel of Fortune. Nope. Couldn’t do it. I am a Wheel purist. Wheel is played with three contestants. Not six. It just messes up the flow of the show. Having to hear SIX awkward anecdotes from people is just unbearable. Plus, they look so uncomfortable jammed up there together. Then you add in all the annoying whispering between partners and you get 22 minutes of awful game show. No thank you.
But I do have one goal for when I make it on Wheel some day. You know how Pat asks who you have in the audience with you when you make it to the Bonus Spin? I am gonna go with something a lot more fun than bringing a family member or a friend.
Pat: So, Dana, who do you have in the audience with you tonight?
Me: Oh, Pat, I brought my buddy Jasper. Met him under a bridge earlier before the show when I was trying to score some drugs. You can’t come on Wheel unless you are trippin’ balls, Pat. You know that. Just common sense.
Q: All the hot takes these days involve some combination of Trump, Kaepernick, or Taylor Swift. Give me a hot take on something completely random. – Sam
You want a hot one, Sammy? Here ya go. Horses suck. I don’t get horses. They are goofy looking animals, nowhere near as majestic as people claim. Horse racing makes no sense to me. I get they used to come in handy when we needed them as a mode of transportation. But we can be done with horses now. I just don’t get the fascination with horses. Down with horses!
Q: If you had your own TV channel that played nothing but reruns, what would a typical weekday and weekend schedule look like? – Scott
The possibilities here truly are endless.
During the weekdays you would see a solid mix of shows from the 1980s and 1990s. Here is what a typical day might look like
6 a.m.-8 a.m.: Back to back ‘sodes of American Gladiators. Nothing better than starting your day with Nitro and the crew.
8 a.m.-9 a.m.: Couple eps of Saved by the Bell. BAYSIDE YEARS ONLY. No college. No Miss Bliss. Oh, and none of those bullsh*t Torii episodes either. Kapowski ‘till I D.I.E.
9 a.m.-10 a.m.: Let’s keep the corny situational comedies rolling here with an episode of Growing Pains followed by a quick shot of Home Improvement.
10 a.m.-11 a.m.: Gonna switch it up and get a little dramatic with an episode of Unsolved Mysteries just before lunch.
11 a.m.-Noon: Hour block of Cops. Everybody loves Cops.
Noon-1 p.m.: Gotta throw a lunchtime episode of Dawson’s Creek each day. Need my daily dose of teenage melodrama.
1 p.m.-2 p.m.: A Nickelodeon exacta with a back-to-back ‘sodes of Salute Your Shorts and Hey Dude.
2 p.m.-4 p.m.: A daily two-hour block of Cheers. No show makes me as happy as Cheers. Need the two-hour block. Gotta get it on.
4 p.m.-5 p.m.: Jeopardy and Wheel. Duh.
5 p.m.-6 p.m.: Daily dose of Survivor. The episodes would obviously run in sequential order so I can catch all the early seasons I missed.
6 p.m.-7 p.m.: The Simpsons. Greatest show of all time. Seasons 1-13 only.
7 p.m.-9 p.m.: Monday Night Raw. We would start with the first episode and go each day until WWE bought WCW and then start over.
9 p.m.-10 p.m.: Letterman! We’ll start back at the old show and run daily episodes all the way through his final ep.
10 p.m.-Midnight: We wrap each day up with two episodes of South Park followed by a pair of Beavis and Butthead ‘sodes.
Midnight-6 a.m.: Just a random, eclectic mix of classic YouTube stuff, some music videos, sports bloopers, funny movie clips… just keep it really random and keep mixing it up. Perfect for night owls, drunks and stoners.
That’s what a daily schedule might look like. Probably need to tweak it a bit. There would also be special programing. I’d bring TGIF back every Friday night. Boy Meets World, Step By Step, Family Matters, etc.
Oh, and there would be Saturday morning cartoons too. Doug, Rugrats, Recess, Turtles, Garfield and Friends. Just like the good ol’ days.
Wessel TV is going to eff so hard.
Q: Why won’t anyone believe that I’ve beaten Contra on a single life? – Pete
Because you didn’t do it. This is 2017. Pics or it didn’t happen. Set up Twitch and roll it again, brah.
Beating Contra on a single life might be one of the tougher accomplishments in video games. I can’t even beat the game without using the Konami Code. I don’t know many who can. I don’t even want to try, either. Contra is best enjoyed just running-and-gunning with a buddy and having zero plan of attack. Just kill those aliens!
Q: How come the Ducks could beat the pee wee number 1, then the world number 1, then not make varsity? – Sam
This gets cited a lot as a major plot hole in the Duckiverse, and I get it, but it is pretty easily explained. The Hawks in the original and Iceland in D2 were the same age as our beloved scrappy Ducks. Yes, they looked 15 years older than Conway and the crew, but they were the same age. The varsity in D3 were four years older than the Ducks. It was established that freshman never get moved up (which is why Banks getting the nod was such a big deal).
Plus, the rosters no doubt changed after, ya know, the Ducks WON at the end. There are a lot of ridiculous things about the Mighty Ducks franchise but this one isn’t nearly as glaring as some others, like how they rollerbladed 426 miles across Minnesota rounding up the crew in the beginning of the second. Or how a punishment for a lawyer who got a DUI was TO COACH CHILDREN.
Q: Not a question, but: convince me the first “lunar landing” by the US wasn’t staged. I dare you. I’m dating a pilot, but not even she can. – Emily
Well, if all the of the direct evidence from NASA and the people who were up there on the moon aren’t going to convince you, neither is a dumbass who writes a weekly radio mailbag. So I got nothin for ya there.
However, the best man our wedding is a rocket scientist who legit puts things into space for a living. I LOVE pretending that I think it was all fake. I will go on long diatribes to him about how Apollo 13 is a work of fiction but Armageddon is a space movie that could ACTUALLY happen. Not sure how amusing he finds it, but I think it’s hilarious, and that’s what’s really important.
Q: Would you ever do the skywalk thing where you are tethered and walk around the outside of the CN Tower? – John
Sure. I mean, sounds safe enough. Do they let you have a few beers before? Let’s do it. If that little weiner Tom Cruise can do all his own stunts I can shimmy around the CN Tower attached to a tether.
Q: What were some of your hobbies before Nintendo launched the Switch? – Matt
Oh, man. I said this on Twitter the other day. I know they say money can’t buy you happiness, but I honestly can’t remember how I was ever happy before I owned a Nintendo Switch. I sometimes just hold it in my lap even when I am not playing it. I just feel better when it is near me and safe.
But yeah, the rest of my life has taken a hit. I bring it to work and play it before the show. I have skipped social events to stay home and play. I used to go outside. Used to work out. Now all I do is think about Zelda. In fact, I am gonna quickly wrap this thing up so I can go play right now.
Q: Don’t you hate pants? – Trevor
Yes. Time for Zelda!
All right, that’ll do it for this week! Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! Everybody enjoy the last official weekend of summer. Come party with us at the Fair.