Every Friday on GoMN.com Dana Wessel answers your questions. Music, sports, pop culture, whatever you want. Have a question? You can tweet them to @DanaWessel or email him at Dana@GoMN.com. You can read the Ask Wessel archives here.
I have a question for you fine folks before we get started. Do you like good dogs?!? Of course you do. Well we are hosting the Dogs + Designs Fashion Show at the Mall of America with our friends at Secondhand Hounds. It takes place between 1-4 in the Rotunda. You can see the dogs walk the catwalk, play with them, and even help them find their forever home. Come play with good dogs with us. You know you love good dogs. Everybody loves good dogs.
Q: When meeting someone for the first time after talking on a dating app, how do you greet them? Hand shake? Hug? No contact? – Rachel
None of the above. Set the tone early. Go in for the power move. Approach them, look them dead in the eyes with a stern look on your face and ask, “Who is your daddy and what does he do?” in your best Arnold Schwarzenegger accent. It’s called the Kindergartner Cop opener and has a success rate of, oh, I’d say probably like 18%.
Odds are the date is likely to end right then and there. But you’ll find out two crucial pieces of information about your future spouse: whether they have a sense of humor, and whether this person you can stay in with on a Friday night and watch 1990s Schwarzenegger classics.
Q: You seem like you live your life on Twitter. Thoughts on the new [280 character] change? – James
Eh, I am fine with it. I know people are all outraged about it right now but that’s what happens whenever any social media platform makes even the smallest of tweaks. It will become the new normal before you know it.
I highly doubt I will start rifling off 280 CHARACTER NUCLEAR HOT TAKES. It will just be nice when you have that annoying tweet you can’t quite get down to the magic number of 140. I hate not using correct punctuation or having to commit some sort of grammatical sin.
The one problem I have is that Twitter has much bigger issues than character limit. Why aren’t Jack and his pals doing something about the constant threats and racism that turns parts of Twitter into an absolute cesspool? Oh, that, and the fact the leader of the free world is constantly using it to make threats of nuclear war. Those seem like bigger issues to me than whether you can have 140 or 280 characters.
Q: As MPLS goes into full “better clean this place up before [the Super Bowl] company arrives” mode, what over-compensations point to obvious insecurities? – Jaron
Oh god, everything?
I am honestly worried about how some of the Minnesotans with softer skins will handle the Super Bowl this February.
Unless the Super Bowl is held in Miami or San Diego, it is commonplace for the national media and fancy rich people to crap all over the Super Bowl host city. I am not sure if you have noticed this, but a lot of people in this state are pretty sensitive and overprotective of our Land of 10,000 Lakes. Hell, whenever we don’t make one of those stupid internet “best of” lists people freak out like a bunch of New Yorkers came into our homes, kicked our dogs and crapped in our dishwashers. It even doesn’t matter what the list is even about. It could be ‘Top 50 Cities With the Best Porta Potties to Hide in When You’re Tripping on Mushrooms,” and if we didn’t crack the list people would rush to the internet to whine and show everyone how insecure they are.
So hopefully everything goes well with our fancy guests in town. Could you imagine the morale in this state if everybody rips Minnesota, the weather, the stadium, AND the Green Bay Packers win the Super Bowl? I am not sure this state would ever recover.
Q: You tweet about your obsession with using the crockpot. When I think of crockpots I just think of my grandparents. Am I missing something? – Megan
Oh, Megan. Oh, sweet, sweet Megan. You poor thing. You haven’t realized the magic of the crockpot. You haven’t discovered the joy of the crock. But you should. It will make your life better.
I’ll be honest, I only got into the crock game a few years ago. I was hesitant just like you. It seemed like something for the olds. But then my wife and I got into it one weekend and I have never looked back. Here are some of the benefits.
- It is so simple. Seriously, there should be no bigger endorsement of the c-pot than the fact that I can make some bomb food. It is idiot proof. There really is no way you can eff up a crock.
- There is little no work involved once you get everything in the pot. Seriously, you just set it and forget it. Pile it up high, throw it on low, then go and chill.
- Unlike a smoker or something in the oven, you can leave it just chilling by itself all day. I love loading up the crock and then coming back like seven hours later to a house that smells like an Iron Chef broke in while I was gone and cooked up something delicious.
- The anticipation. Ohhhhhhh THE ANTICIPATION. Unlike other things that cook quickly in the oven, the all-day anticipation of your delicious crock creation is incredible. I love going into the kitchen and stirring it every five minutes (which is probably an awful tactic, FYI) like a kid counting down the days to Christmas.
Crockpot season is upon us. Take in the joy that is crock cooking. Load up your crockpot with something delicious this weekend. Then invite me over.
Q: No repercussion or reprisal, you get to participate in what will be known as Super Kick Saturday…Top 5 people you give ye ole Sweet Chin Music to? Go! – Dustin
Oh hell yeah. Love this idea. For those of you NOOBS out there that don’t know what Sweet Chin Music is the prefered finishing move by one of the best wrestlers of all time: The Heartbreak Kid Shawn Michaels.
So, where to even begin?
5. Harry Kane (English soccer player, FYI) – Kane has the most punchable face in the world. I have long said he looks like the snooty rich boyfriend from a cliche ’80s movie. What’s even better than punching the most punchable face in the world? Giving the most punchable face in the world some Sweet Chin Music.
4. James Corden – Somebody needs to knock that guy down a peg. He’s just a little too pleased with himself all the time.
3. That annoying guy from the Sonic commercials – He just sucks.
2. That other annoying guy from the Sonic commercials – He just sucks too.
1. The President….of the New Ulm croquet league. See what I did there? I don’t need the Secret Service on my ass.
Q: I feel guilty asking a waitress or bartender to change the station even if I’m the only customer in the building. – Clarence
There are times where I feel the same way. For example, if the bar is packed and really crowded. The staff usually has more important stuff to do than make sure I can watch whatever sports ball game I want to see. Secondly, I do feel bad if I am looking for some obscure channel they may not even get with their cable package which is one of the rough parts of being a soccer fan. Also, I don’t like to ask if it isn’t the type of place that people go to watch games. The type of place that has the one TV that has been on ESPN for the last six years straight.
But other than that? I give zero effs. It’s no different than asking for silverware or another beer. Don’t feel bad, C.
Alright, that’ll do it for this week! Everybody raise a tall glass of orange juice and let’s toast to the weekend! Everybody enjoy the weekend. Hope to see you all at Mall of America for our dog fashion show with a lot of good dogs!!!