Greetings from London. I woke up early on vacation to hammer out an Ask Wessel for my dedicated readers. Just kidding. I wrote this earlier in the week. I don’t love you guys that much. Onto the questions!
Q: When someone has a really hard opinion on the best kind of phone, do you walk away slowly, or run for your life? – Stu
Run for my life.
I know the main point of the internet is to debate everything no matter how inane, but the phone thing is so bizarre. Why does it matter? It’s a phone. It’s the device we use to be anti-social and pass time on the throne. It isn’t like an iPhone has a time machine app and 1-in-6 Androids spontaneously combust. They are the same thing.
I have an Android phone. It was the type of phone my mobile provider carried when smartphones were introduced. It suits my needs and I have stuck with it. Done. I feel no need to revolve my personality around it, get an ANDROID logo tattooed on my chest and start flame wars against people who use a different product.
Wait, hold on. Now that I think about it I did once get into an argument with a friend over competing technologies. I was nine and had a Super Nintendo and my friend Matt had a Sega Genesis. Then I turned 10 and realized how stupid that was.
Q: Is Tupac alive? – Matt
I wish. As fun as it is believe Pac is just chilling on a beach somewhere with Andy Kaufman, he is most definitely cashed.
It’s so obvious to me that Tupac is dead because his music that’s been released posthumously is so terrible. There is no way Tupac would have signed off on it. If he really were alive and secretly recording new albums in Cuba the stuff would be much better.
It would be cool if just once a conspiracy theory about a celebrity faking his own death came true. It would have to be somebody who is already dead, I bet. It’d be too tough in the day and age of Twitter and social media to fake your own death.
So, I guess in that regard, Tupac is our last hope. C’mon, Pac. Reemerge. First plate of wings is on me.
Q: Help settle a debate a friend and I had recently. What kind of fries are best? Not what place serves the best fries, but what style of fries are ideal? – Paul
I already know this is going to be controversial. I am prepared to lose friends over this.
- Waffle fries – Oh yeah, the undisputed fry king. I get insulted when the waiter or waitress even asks if I want to spend the extra dollar to upgrade to waffle. Of course. Do I look like some kind of non-waffle fry loving a-hole? Do it up. Waffle me.
- Crinkle-cut fries – You don’t see these as often, but they are an absolute powerhouse fry. I love these piping hot with plenty of salt. I wanna start asking for everything crinkle-cut. “How would I like my steak prepared? Crinkle-cut, please.”
- Curly fries – How good are the extra curly ones that loop around like crazy, oh my god, am I right? Curly fries are great. Especially if they are seasoned.
- Steak cut fries – Hell yeah. They took regular fries but made them bigger and thicker. America!
- Regular old fries – Nothing wrong with a classic. But I prefer their souped-up cousins more.
- Shoestring fries – These are too small. I can’t stand them. Can I also get a tweezers to pick these things up?
- Sweet potato fries – Yuck. Why are these even a thing? What a cruel tease.
Q: I am a lifelong Vikings fan, but just can’t bring myself to cheer for Adrian Peterson. I have a hard time watching games. What do I do? – Andy
It’s worth pointing out that this was emailed to me a few hours before the Monday night opener in San Francisco. I bet it is a bit easier for Andy not to care about that trainwreck of a team.
I get it, though. A lot of fans are struggling with the Adrian Peterson thing. He is, by all accounts, a pretty gross person. He beat the crap out of his kid and has shown an unbelievably low level of remorse — even going as far as to paint himself as the victim here. It’s just disgusting. My blood is boiling as I type this.
But the sad truth of the matter is this: if we stop rooting for a team because they had a horrible person on their roster then the only team we’d have left to cheer for would be like a JV high school basketball squad in Montana.
Q: If you were going to make up a Ninja Warrior course that you yourself would be unbeatable at, what would the obstacles be? – Jon
Well, I can tell you this. It would look nothing like the current Ninja Warrior courses. Here are the obstacles one would have to overcome to finish a course tailored to my talents.
- First, you must put on a Born in the USA-era Springsteen bandana in your hair and pull it off with style.
- Then you must start the course by performing a bomb chasse-step-leap you learned by taking dance class every quarter in high school. If your technique isn’t flawless, your run is over.
- Next you must walk into a Chipotle and successfully order a burrito with extra chicken without getting charged extra. There are many ways to accomplish this. There is no right way. But if the C gets circled and you have to pay for double meat, your run is over.
- Then you must pull a rope and a curtain will drop down revealing an old classmate from high school or college. You don’t remember their name or much about them. But you must talk to them for 300 seconds without making it totally obvious you are a horrible person and totally forgot them.
- Then, you are handed one quarter. A Donkey Kong machine is in front of you, and you and must break 100,000 points. Anything short of 100K and your run is over.
- Next, your phone will ring, you will pick it up, look at it with plenty of time to answer, make up an excuse in your head why you can’t answer it right now, and set it back down to continue whatever mundane thing you were doing.
- Up next you have to recite Rocky’s entire “But to beat me, he’s gonna have to kill me” speech from Rocky IV with 100 percent accuracy. This includes appropriate tone of voice and pauses, for an audience of your peers without breaking character. If the audience deems it not believable, your run is over.
- Next up, you walk into a bar, introducer yourself to a girl as “Dana,” then not get offended as she thinks you said “David.” Then — and this is when it gets tricky — keep your composure when you correct her and she drops the inevitable “Isn’t Dana a girl’s name?” If you so much as wince, your run is over.
Q: What would you list as your special skills on LinkedIn? – Heather
Why don’t some hackers do some good and just permanently take down LinkedIn? It is just a total spam-fest with little to no actual networking taking place.
I signed up in college at the behest of a professor I respected. I promptly lost my password and never signed on again. A few months ago I was trying to book a guest and could only find them on Linkedin. I, of course, needed to sign-in in order to email them. Linkedin was no help retrieving my password, nor would they just delete my account for me. So now I am just stuck getting emails everyday reminding me that someone’s connection is still awaiting a reply. Sweet!
So I guess if I could list a special skill on Linkedin it would be that I haven’t signed in to Linkedin since 2008.
Q: What’s your take on daily fantasy sports? Is it just me or doesn’t this fad seems poised to ruin thousands of relationships? – Nik
These things are so bizarre. I thought they were going to be a passing fad but now I wouldn’t be surprised if we wake up tomorrow and FanDuel bought both Google and Apple.
I am skeptical about how much these daily fantasy leagues are even paying out. As many have pointed out on social media, if these companies are spending all this money for prime-time ad space during the biggest sporting events, then how much money are they really paying to players? I haven’t done the research, but my guess is you’re better off throwing a stack of money off a bridge.
I am at the point where I want to create a Kickstarter to raise enough money to buy all the ad space in an NFL game so we can go a few hours next Sunday without seeing a single daily fantasy league ad.
Q: In honor of National Peace Day, Burger King approached McDonalds about merging the Whooper and the Big Mac to show that two life-long enemies can come together to make something great. (McDonald’s said no to the Great Burger Merger.) What two foods would you merge together to create a super food? – Jason
I thought this story was great. Burger King using the thinly-veiled guise of “National Peace Day” to try to siphon some publicity from the popular kids at school, McDonalds. This is like some hack comedian trying to land Louis CK or Aziz Ansari on their podcast. It was smart of McDonald’s to respectfully decline, because they clearly read into King’s ruse, but also because they realized America doesn’t need a McWhopper.
I’m not digging this combining of food craze. It’s just lazy companies knowing they can drum up free publicity in this country just by combining two unhealthy foods. They also know our lazy asses will gobble it up.
I don’t need chips dumped on my sandwich. I don’t need a quesadilla wrapped around my burrito. I don’t need a pizza crust made of mini corndogs. I don’t need pieces of chicken replacing the bread in a sandwich.
And this isn’t a rant because I am so healthy and think people who eat those things are disgusting. I routinely eat buffalo wings with such force and ferocity that I am out of breath and sweating by the time I am finished. I just subscribe to the notion that you don’t need to fix something that isn’t broken.
Q: When are you going to start taking Mailbag Questions on the air and answering them live? – Sam?
This is fantastic idea. More on that to come.
Have a great weekend, everybody.