A quick programming note. I am going to Denver next Wednesday so there won’t be an Ask Wessel. I might get really motivated and try to crank one out before I leave, but let’s be honest…
On to the questions!
Q: Your shirt was burned off your back when you went into that burning building to rescue a child. Someone comes over and gives you a sports jersey to wear because it’s a cold night. Is there a team or player so repellent to you that you’d say, “No thanks, I’m good”? – Phil
This is a great question, not just because it is intriguing, but it because it paints me as a hero! Hell yeah. Can I get a medal just for rescuing a kid in this hypothetical situation? I’d accept the medal. I am not above that.
There are tons of jerseys I would refuse. Not only would I not wear the following jersey, but I would go as far as to run them back into the burning building so they went up in flames.
- Arsenal FC
- Mexico National Football Team
- Team Iceland Junior Goodwill Games
- Team Globo Gym dodgeball jersey
- The Yankees — not the MLB team, the mean kids who played The Bad News Bears
- A Cobra Kai karate robe
- Russian hockey jersey or boxing robe
- Gilroy high school football jersey
- Gold Jacket that belongs to Shooter McGavin
- Harlem Globetrotters — I always had a soft spot for the Generals
Q: Would you rather be a shark that can play NBA Jam Tournament Edition or a dolphin that can play Double Dragon? – Cory
My first instinct was to be a shark that can play NBA Jam. But after thinking about it a bit more, I remembered that people are terrified of sharks. Nobody would ever want to play NBA Jam with me. I would just be one sad, lonely shark playing NBA Jam against the computer without any human or other shark friends to play with.
So make me the dolphin, even though Double Dragon isn’t as good a game as NBA Jam. People love dolphins. They would come from miles around to play a dolphin in video games and feed me tons of delicious fishies or whatever the hell dolphins eat. I’d even have a celebration I did whenever I beat a level. I would make those dolphin noises while shooting water out of my blowhole.
Q: If you could live your entire life at one specific age, what would it be? But if you say the age you really mean, which I assume is like 5-10 years ago, make sure your wife doesn’t see it. – Rand
I honestly think I would go with the age I am currently at right now. Things are great. I have the most amazing wife in the world and have an incredible job with people I love. Can’t really ask for much more than that.
OK, now that Heather read that first paragraph and thought “awwww” I’ll tell you about the first runner up. I really enjoyed the ages like 23-25. I had graduated college and lived in Uptown with a bunch of my other newly/barely/un/employed friends. We were all broke as sh*t, had no idea what we were doing with our lives… and yet it was an absolute blast. I wasn’t in college anymore but I clearly wasn’t an adult yet. I worked some awful jobs that led to me chasing my dreams and passions. I dated some awful women that led me to finding the love of my life. There is something fun, innocent and kinda chaotic about that stage of someone’s life. I dug it.
Plus, MCA of the Beastie Boys was still alive. That was that rad. I miss him.
Q: What’s the story behind why people send you pictures of ducks? I clearly haven’t been following you long enough to know how this originated. – Gina
Ah, the duck pictures. In case you don’t follow me on Twitter or obsessively check it like I do, people occasionally send me pictures of ducks when they spot one. I think I have told the story a few times but here it is again.
I have always loved ducks. They are peaceful, kinda dumb creatures that just love quacking, swimming and chowing on grub. One lazy afternoon like five years ago I was at Lake Calhoun and there were some ducks nearby so I tweeted a picture of them without a caption. Then I figured I’d just keep tweeting pictures of ducks with no words and no explanation why. I wanted to see what people’s reaction would be after I did it every day for a few weeks. I wanted people to ask, “the hell is this guy’s deal with duck pictures?” Stupid sh*t like that is funny and interesting to me. Pretty soon people started thinking about me whenever they saw a duck and would tweet a picture to me. I was so happy.
So there you have it. Not all that interesting, but yet funny to me. I dig it. I have gotten duck pics from people on vacation in Brazil and New Zealand. One of the first things my now-wife ever tweeted me before we met was a picture of baby ducks at the State Fair. Keep the duck pictures coming. Pictures of ducks make people happy. Ducks fly together.
Q: Dean Ambrose no DQ. Your thoughts? – Joshua
The hell does Dean have against Dairy Queen? Dairy Queen is delicious. Ill double-up a Chicken Strip Basket + Blizzard like I need it to save my life. Poor form, Dean.
Q: You know how Edward Scissorhands kept having issues with his scissor hands? Why didn’t he just grind those puppies down? – Michael
I feel like there were a lot of better solutions for Eddie rather than leaving those 12 inch blades on his hands. I mean, the movie does end with him shanking a dude and being forced back in isolation. Maybe if would have shaved those things down to the size of butter knives he could have gone on living in the neighborhood and marrying the hot girl.
But I guess I see why they didn’t do that. Edward Buterknifehands doesn’t quite have the same ring to it as Edward Scissorhands.
Q: I’m rolling solo (without my wife) for the first 12 days of June… while I have work some of the days what should I do with all my free time? – Dustin
You know how there are still underground poker games? Set up a similar high stakes ring but for nothing but children’s board games. See if you can get a group of people playing a game of Candy Land for 10 grand in your basement.
Q: Who is the most important player to master in bubble dome hockey: long stick guy, center/scoring guy, or goalie? – John
I am really going to piss some of you off here, but I could count on a Ninja Turtle’s hand the amount of times I have played bubble hockey in my life. I played it a few years ago in Philly and wasn’t good at it. I just spun my guys around in circles and got annoyed I lost. I am one of those petty types of people that if I don’t immediately possess a near-prodigious level of skill at something I deem it stupid and, rather than attempt to get better at it, refuse to play it going forward. Don’t get me started on foosball.
But in an attempt to answer your question:
- Long Stick Guy – That’s just a funny name. He deserves to be first.
- Center/Scoring Guy – People love goalscorers.
- Goalie – I don’t trust hockey goalies — human or plastic. There is something wrong with a person who watches a hockey game and decides, “Yeah, you know what? I wanna be the guy that gets 100 MPH hockey pucks shot at him.”
Q: Go-to character in Super Mario 2? – Elijah
Princess, baby! I love the jumping ability and the hangtime. Give me the Princess! Luigi’s kicking legs when he jumps weird me out. Toad is just a spaz. And Mario gets all the credit in all the other adventures. Screw Mario.
I recently read in an old magazine that there is actually a strategy you are supposed to follow. Ideal strategy says there is a certain character for each level that gives you the best advantage. But that life ain’t for me. I’ll ride or die with Princess whenever I fire up Mario deuce.
Q: You mentioned (in last week’s Ask Wessel) there was an actual point to Pogs and a game involved. I know you are right, but I don’t remember ever actually “playing” Pogs. They were just something I collected. Did anybody actually play? – Jake
Wow. I think you are right. Now that I think about it I can’t remember ever actually playing either. If you gave me a stack of pogs and a slammer right now I would be absolutely clueless. What WAS the point? I know you stacked them and hit them with a slammer, but what was the end game? Were you trying to flip them over? I just remember collecting them and looking at them. Gotta have those cool ones with skulls that say “POISON!” Sick!
Man, what a dumb fad. I am glad it only lasted a few months. I remember there being fights at school over Pogs. Imagine having that in your memory bank. “Yeah, I got suspended once for kicking a kid’s ass on the playground over a Pog slammer with a sick 8 ball on it.” I wouldn’t lead with that story on a first date if I were you.
Q: Don’t you hate pants? *Homer Simpson voice* – Michael
All right, that’ll do it for this week. Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend. June and summer are here. No excuse not to get out there and do your part to keep the dream alive.