Q: The Vikings are leaving Mankato to have training camp in your hometown of Eagan. Why do I suspect you were somehow behind this? – Andy
I am innocent, I swear! I was honestly kinda bummed out when I saw the news the Vikings are ditching Mankato. It was inevitable once they announced the new mega facility in Eagan, but still left me feeling a bit sad. There are a lot of memories for a lot of people down in Mankato. I covered the Vikings for a few years and I saw firsthand how much it meant for people down there to have the Vikings come to their town every year.
It is definitely the end of an era for Vikings fans. I had a lot of fun times going down there, whether it was going down with my dad as a kid or the extended stays when I used to cover sports. There really never was a dull moment. Boomtown for life.
Q: What do people who want to “Seize the Day” have against the night? How are gherkins different than pickles? Are voicemails still a thing? – Perk
1. That is a great question. I feel like the seizing the night is cooler and harder to pull off than seizing the day. Anybody can day-seiz. Show me a night-seizer and I will show you a real legend.
2. Hmmm. Off the top of my head? I’d say while a pickle can be made from a large variety of food items, in U.S., Canada, and Australia, it is a word used to refer to pickled cucumbers. Gherkin is a term that is used for pickled cucumber in U.K. and the rest of Europe. Gherkin is made with very small cucumbers. Just kidding. That wasn’t off the top of my head. I copy pasted it from the internet.
3. No. I think anybody who leaves a voicemail should have their phone privileges revoked for 30 days. The reason voicemail was invented was because we didn’t have caller ID and text messaging. Now we do. Let’s move into the voicemail-less future together, people. I’ll pay $10,000 for the next iPhone or Galaxy if it completely strips away the voicemail function.
Q: Picture your standard Minnesota cabin. A bedroom or two, one bathroom, kitchen, electricity, old antenna TV that gets a few channels and a landline. No cell phone. No internet. Could you spend an entire Minnesota winter in that cabin without leaving and without having anyone over to visit? – Pat
No. God no. Are you kidding me? No. No. Eff no. Good god no. Are you kidding me, Pat? No.
I could MAYBE do an entire winter in a cabin alone if I had some more modern conveniences. Here is what I’d need to make it from October-March of a Minnesota winter.
- A giant TV up on the wall. At least 55 inches.
- Full cable/satellite so I can watch all my sports.
- Fast cell/internet service.
- A laptop.
- A freezer full of Heggies.
- TONS of booze.
- 500 unopened packs of baseball cards.
- A NES Classic/SNES Classic/Nintendo Switch.
- Stamps and envelopes so I could be pen pals with my friend John Sharkman.
- A treadmill just so I could lie to myself and pretend like I would exercise.
- Legos. A bunch of Legos. That would help occupy my time.
- Hologram Tupac to keep me company/play Mario Kart.
I would need everything on this list and then some. Even then, I’d probably only make it a week before I went totally insane.
Q: What’s worse: getting hit by a car or paying Ticketmaster fees? – Dan
The fees. The fees are awful. I can’t believe how outrageous they have gotten. It’s ridiculous. Here is how the average ticket transaction goes down.
Friend 1: Hey 58 and Foggy are coming to town. Tickets are only $25. Should I get us a pair?
Friend 2: Hell yeah. I love 58 and Foggy. Let’s do it!
Friend 1: **Pulls up two tickets, goes to check out** OK, after fees you owe me $459.84
Friend 2: Wait, what?
If given the choice, I’d let a car hit me at a moderate, non-deadly speed if it meant I never had to pay a Ticketmaster fee again.
Q: Help settle an office debate: do muffins suck? – Troy
Muffins suck. A muffin is basically just cake that is socially acceptable to eat in the morning. I just looked up the stats on a chocolate chip muffin at a local breakfast chain. 720 calories, 36 grams of fat, 42 grams of sugar and 88 g carbs. Good lord. Might as well just punt on your morning and go back to bed if that is how you kicking off your day. You’re better off eating donuts.
Q: What’s your go-to gas station/convenience store snack? – Scott
Beef jerky! I love me some beef jerky from the gas station. I especially love it when it is some local brand that you get in some small town gas station on a road trip. I never feel more alive than when I am rolling the dice on severe food poisoning by eating beef sticks that are stored in a luke-warm refrigerator at a shady gas station. That puts hair on your chest, kids.
Q: Would you come to my wedding if I invited you? – Jon
Yeah, definitely. But only if your spouse is cool with me coming. I feel like “Hey hun, this is a guy I know from the internet” isn’t the best way to start your marriage.
Q: New bit idea for Ask Wessel. Better late than never movie reviews? Snakes on a Plane. – Michael
I love this idea! I don’t know if you know this, but I love talking about old movies. Everyone should feel free to submit movie titles for a Better Late Than Never Movie Reviews in future Ask Wessels.
Snakes on a Plane. Interesting little movie. The first movie that really gained “internet buzz,” whatever the hell that means exactly. I remember how fired up people were for this, especially after they decided to capitalize on the buzz by doing reshoots filled with more snakes, MFers, and nudity.
However, all the hype was ultimately the movie’s downfall in a way. There was just no way it was going to live up to the frenzied excitement that dorks like myself worked ourselves into on the internet. I remember seeing it in the theater and was underwhelmed. It came and went quickly in the theater, showing that excitement on the internet doesn’t really translate to mainstream success.
I feel like this one could have a second life on cable, but you hardly ever see it in the rotation of bad cable action movies. That really is a shame. It has one of the funniest “edited for TV lines” of all time.
Q: Which is worse – a sneezing fit or hiccups? – Hannah
Oh, hiccups by far. Hiccups are the worst. Especially if you get them at the bar. It is so annoying, especially if it is one of those fits the ‘ccups that won’t go away. Then you just become Hiccup Guy and nobody wants to be around you any longer. I have left the bar out of frustration because I couldn’t cure my hiccups.
All right, that’ll do it for this week. Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! Get out there and enjoy. May your weekends be muffin and hiccup-free!