Every Friday on GoMN.com Dana Wessel answers your questions. Music, sports, pop culture, whatever you want. Have a question? You can tweet them to @DanaWessel or email him at DWessel@Gomn.com.

Well, hello there! Before we get started I want to remind people that tickets for Go Fest ‘17 go on sale Friday at 10 a.m. We have a killer lineup at the Cabooze Outdoor Plaza on Sunday, July 2. We have Bleachers, Mutemath, The Naked and Famous, MUNA, and The Unlikely Candidates all performing. We also have three killer acts on our Go Local Stage: Step Rockets, Whosah, and Jeanne Taylor.

Big props to my guy Miles the DJ for putting this whole thing together. I can’t even coordinate having a few friends over for beers. He put together a badass festival. Much respect.

Onto the questions!

Q: Is it possible to make a turkey sandwich without grabbing a piece of turkey and putting it right in your mouth? – Al

No. Absolutely not. This was proven by impossible by Galileo in 1628. In fact, I have even done the move where I have some when I am unloading groceries. It usually doesn’t even get into the refrigerator before I have dug in. Lunch meats for the win.

I can only think of two situations where someone could make a turkey sandwich without shoving a handful in their mouth.

  1. If the person is vegetarian, vegan or has some other type of diet restrictions that makes them find lunch meat disgusting.
  2. If you are making the turkey sandwich for an evil enemy of yours with the intention of poisoning them and the turkey is contaminated. Even then, I might even try at least a nibble. Worth the risk.

Q: If you could replace Ben and Giselle with Nintendo characters to host the morning show with you who would you switch them with and why? – A Snarky Cat Lady

This question is difficult because none of the Nintendo mascots really talk. But for the sake of this exercise let’s just pretend they do.

I would swap Ben with Yoshii. Mostly because who wouldn’t want to do a radio show with a dinosaur? But also because Yoshii is loyal and cool just like Ben.

I’d also add Princess Peach in place of Giselle. Giselle is kind of the royalty of our show, so it is a no-brainer to replace her with the princess of the Mushroom Kingdom. Also, Peach is an awful driver in Mario Kart and I always get carsick when Giselle is driving, so it just makes sense.

Q: Are there any musicians/bands you don’t like except for one song? Pink Floyd for me. Also going through that with Ed Sheeran. – Tim

Oh, sure. I never really got into any of the Baha Men’s later work. “Who Let the Dogs Out” is the only track of theirs that really does it for me. Same goes for Psy’s most recent LP. Just doesn’t compare to “Gangnam Style”. Also, I don’t like the new sound of Chumbawamba. They strayed too far from their roots of songs about getting knocked down and getting back up again.

But in all seriousness, the one band that immediately came to mind is Metallica. Our high school football coaches were obsessed with Metallica and it was played non-stop in the weight room. Just hearing their name gives me flashbacks to throwing up in a weight room trash can while some track from Master of Puppets blares in my ears. The one exception is “Nothing Else Matters.” I dunno if it is because it is more mellow than their other stuff, but I still like to put that one on.

Q: Which Mighty Duck would make the best President of the United States? – Molly

We can eliminate almost all of them immediately. Fulton and Portman? Seems unlikely they even graduated high school. Banks? We don’t want a President from Edina. Charlie? Too much of a spaz. Averman? Too much of a smartass. Goldberg? He’ll take over the family delicatessen.

I think the Duck that would make the best POTUS would be Julie ‘The Cat’ Gaffney. She is cool under pressure, as evidenced in the shootout of the 1994 Junior Goodwill Games. Yeah, sure, she got kicked out of the first Iceland game but that’s because she was standing up to a couple sexist Icelandic a-holes. I am not going to knock her there. She also seemed to have a good head on her shoulders unlike some of her borderline psychopath teammates.

Plus, I don’t think we’ve ever had a President from Maine. Julie the Cat in 2020!

Q: If you were a baseball closer, what would your entrance music be? And if you were a position player, would you change your walk-up music for each at-bat or would it just be the same song each time? – Jordan

Hmmm. Closer is tough. Conventional wisdom says to go with something intense and intimidating. Mariano Rivera — the greatest closer of all time — used to come out to “Enter Sandman” by the aforementioned Metallica.

I might buck that trend though. Come out to something ridiculous like an opera song or a Disney tune. Batters are used to hearing some meathead rock song while waiting to get up in the bottom of the ninth in a close game. Let’s see how they react to “Can You Feel The Love Tonight” from The Lion King while I am on the mound throwing warmup bullets in the high 90s.

Position player? I would change it up a lot. I have talked to baseball ops guys who have said occasionally a guy will change his music mid-game to try to break a slump or get some better mojo going. I would change my music every single at-bat. I would be the most high-maintenance baseball player ever.

Q: What dozen or so games would be essential at Wessel’s Arcade? – Scott

These aren’t necessarily the best games or my favorite games, but the games that would be essential to getting an arcade worth its salt off the ground. There needs to be a good mix of classic games, button mashers, and multiplayer games.

  • Donkey Kong
  • Galaga
  • NBA Jam
  • Mortal Kombat II
  • X-Men (six-player)
  • Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time
  • Tapper
  • Pacman Vs (four-player)
  • NFL Blitz
  • Arkanoid
  • Killer Queen
  • Ice Cold Beer

Q: What was the best Nickelodeon game show? – Paul

I feel bad for the youth of America for a lot of reasons. But one of the biggest reasons is they missed out on the glory days of Nickelodeon game shows. I am the man I am today because I watched 5,000 hours of kids wiping out in fake boogers on Double Dare as a child.

Here are a few honorable mentions before we get to the number-one spot.

Legends of the Hidden Temple – This one has gotten a huge surge in popularity the last decade thanks to millions of college kids wearing Blue Barracuda or Silver Snake T-shirts for Halloween. It was a fun game with a huge set, but it doesn’t get the top spot because of how freaking hard it was. Seriously, do you ever remember any kid winning this thing? It was impossible. Plus, I bet there are tons of kids that had to see therapists after getting nabbed by Temple Guards.

Nick Arcade – It was a cool concept. A kid getting to be IN a video game? That’s the dream. But the technology just wasn’t there and the whole thing came off as really cheesy. Standing in front of a green screen and flaring your arms around isn’t being in a video game.

Double Dare – It is a classic and probably the best-known of the Nickelodeon game shows. Marc Summers was by far the best of any of the hosts. How many episodes of that thing did he end up doing? Had to be about 50,000. But unfortunately it falls just short of the top spot.

The best Nickelodeon game show? GUTS! It was like American Gladiators for kids. How cool is that? Dunking off trampolines, kayaking through a wave pool, riding a BMX bikes through walls, what more could a kid ever want? That is all just a warm-up before tackling the Aggro Crag – by far the coolest final round of any game show. I would lay awake as a kid dreaming of getting on Guts and strategizing on how I would handle the Crag and ranking which events I would be best at.

An Ask Wessel tip of the cap must also go to Mike O’Malley and ref Moira Quirk. O’Malley was the ultimate hype-man. He would call a kid throwing footballs through a moving target like it was the fourth quarter of the GD Super Bowl. Quirk was the always-fair ref that kept the wheels moving. She also introduced every 12-year old boy to how cute a woman is with a British accent.

Q: How risky is it to buy shrimp from the dollar store? What about dollar store milk, or cheese? – Alex

Buying sushi anywhere other than a place that is known for serving sushi is extremely risky. I once had a friend who was shocked – SHOCKED – that sushi he got from a gas station wasn’t any good. What were you expecting? That is like buying a dog from a guy outside a bar in Tijuana and being surprised it isn’t up-to-date on its shots.

Q: What do you think of Wheel of Fortune throwing in vertical words? – Dave

It doesn’t bother me when Wheel of Fortune tries new stuff. It is just mindless background noise. I mainly watch it for the unintentional humor or hilarious ‘Streetcar Naked Desire’-like screwups.

Jeopardy, on the other hand, better stay the same forever. I get irked even when they switch up the sounds of the clues going up on the board. If they ever added like extra Daily Doubles or some other wacky bonus round? I’d drive to Sony Pictures Studios and give Trebek a noogie until they changed it back.

Q: What’s the most underrated part of going on a road trip? – Myjah

Well, it definitely isn’t the drive home. That is by far the worst part. There are times on road trips where I would rather just set up shop and live out my days in whatever town I am in than pack up the car and drive home.

I think the most underrated part of road trips is something going wrong. Yeah, it sucks in the moment, but it always leads to something unexpected and usually ends up being the most memorable part of the trip. It’s the moment you look back on later with your friends and laugh about the most.

Q: Any good places to eat in New York City? – Eric

I have heard good things about the Hooters from Big Daddy!

Q: You wake up, find a pull tab in your pocket after having drinks last night and win $200. You have the day off. What happens next? – Rob

You call up everyone else you know who has the day off and immediately go spend it all on booze, breakfast and b*tchin’ tunes on the juke at CC Club. Otherwise you’ll just waste it.

Alright, that’ll do it for this week. Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! The weather is going to be great. Get outside and enjoy it. Do everything in your power to keep the dream alive for yourself and all of those around you.

Keep your questions coming to @DanaWessel on Twitter, in the comments section below or email them to DWessel@gomn.com.

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