Q: Any speculation on what big concert will open US Bank Stadium next summer? – Mike
For the record, I will not refer to the stadium as US Bank Stadium until US Bank gives me a kickback for all the overdraft fees I racked up in college. Until that check — preferably oversized, delivered to my doorstep with balloons — comes, I will call it New Metrodome. Those are my terms.
I am hoping it isn’t a concert of a band I like. Who wants to go to an indoor concert in a stadium in the middle of the summer? If a band I want to see comes to town I pray they will be at Target Field or TCF Bank Stadium.
If I were betting money on it I would guess U2. No inside knowledge, but that just sounds right for some reason. There really aren’t that many bands that can do stadiums. McCartney and Stones were just here. Eddie Vedder is tight with the Twins so I assume that’s where Pearl Jam would play. All of my intel tells me to not expect a Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band tour in 2016, so they’re out.
So yeah, U2 is my guess. If not them, then probably some country act since we are the country music capital of the world.
Q: Nachos or popcorn? – Patrick
This may seem clear cut but it is actually tougher than you think.
Nachos are amazing when done right. But have you ever been at the bar and ordered nachos and had them come out with that awful goopy, processed cheese and stale chips? I’d rather just go eat discarded food out of the dumpster. Nachos require the delicate touch and artistry of the Sistine Chapel, but a lot of places treat them like a kindergarten finger painting.
Good nachos will always be better than the BEST popcorn, but at least with popcorn you know what you’re getting. It is an undervalued snack that I think we take for granted. Nobody ever thinks they want popcorn, but the second it gets placed in the middle of the bar table everyone attacks it like they’re Aron Ralston at the 127-hour mark.
Popcorn is the safer bet, but nachos have the bigger upside. Speaking of popcorn, I was at a wedding recently that had a popcorn bar at the reception for the guests right when they walked in. I have thought of the jalapeno cheddar popcorn every day since. Solid wedding move.
Q: The other day, a friend and I were talking about how Minnesota sports are responsible for some of the worst days of our lives. This last week has been especially bad. When is it time to just throw in the towel? – Mark
I wouldn’t blame someone for doing so. This last week has transcended bad losses and been absolutely gut-wrenching.
But I honestly think we are at a turning point where some stuff is about to start going right. Look at the young talent we have on the rise with all of our teams. Jump off the wagon now if you must, but we might not let you back on come parade time. Plus, you’ve come this far. Why quit now?
Q: How safe are old skyscrapers? The one I am in creaks a lot. – Andy
I Googled “skyscrapers collapsing” and all I got was a bunch of 9/11 Truther posts. You asked this question on a Thursday. It is now Friday and I haven’t seen any news stories about buildings collapsing, so I am going to assume you’re OK?
Q: Would you rather be the smartest person on earth, or have an IQ 10 points lower than you have now but know all the Presidential secrets? – Joe
Give me all of the secrets. ALL OF THEM. That might be the easiest question I have ever been asked in one of these mailbags.
How would I benefit from being the smartest man in the world? Sure, I could probably pull a few Will Huntings at the bar, but what else? I’d be forced to do some dull job trying to save the world. Ill leave that up to somebody else. Plus, if I truly was the smartest man in the world I am sure I’d be annoyed at how dumb everyone is and wouldn’t be able to maintain any relationships. I’d just be some weirdo that sat in his basement continually redefining Pi and peeing in empty Gatorade bottles.
But to know about every government secret, the truth behind every conspiracy and coverup, THAT WOULD BE AWESOME. You just know there is so much stuff these guys know that we peasants could never know. Stuff that would make our brains explode. What the hell the deal is with Area 51, who killed JFK, and the location of Bill Clinton’s secret strip club in White House.
I guess if I were the smartest person on earth I could devise a way to become President and learn all the secrets. But that sounds like too much work. Plus, the internet has already decided that us millennials are lazy and ruining the world so I’ll just continue on with that narrative.
Q: Is it bad I don’t know my blood type? – Brady
Are you kidding me? You don’t know your blood type? What kind of sick animal are you?
I don’t know mine either, so if it is bad, I am right there with you. I just checked my driver’s license. Not printed on there. How are you supposed to find out this information? I know all the words to the Chip & Dale’s Rescue Rangers theme song but I don’t know my blood type. I also get married next September! Heather found herself a catch!
If someone ever asks — who isn’t a doctor trying to save your life — just guess and sound confident.
Q: You retweeted a picture of a woman who found an empty Lunchable left in the bathroom by her roommate. Would it be more disturbing if the roommate was eating it on the toilet or in the bathtub? – Darren
Oh, toilet without a doubt. You have hit absolute rock bottom if you are mowing down a Lunchable on the can. Think about the circumstances that would have to lead to that. What a downward spiral. I think I’d rather be any of the characters in the closing minutes of Requiem for a Dream than someone eating a Lunchable with their pants around their ankles.
Lunchable in a tub — or, a Tub-chable — isn’t ideal either. I don’t think I am gonna run home and do that anytime soon. But given the alternative? Yeah, I’d want my crackers and processed ham in the tub.
Remember this next time you need some stakes for a ridiculous bet with a friend. Loser has to feed the other a Lunchable while they soak in the tub.
Q: As a male, is it ever inappropriate to pee outdoors? – Ramon
Oh, of course. I had a questionable one a few weeks back at a wedding and got lucky nobody saw. Sometimes you have to roll the dice.
Here are a few off the top of my head
- Funeral – Probably the biggest. No talking your way out of this one. You will be forever known as the The Guy Who Peed At The Funeral.
- Youth sports game – If you get caught by the cops here you have to tack sex offender onto your record instead of just public urination. Have fun explaining that one to your next Tinder date.
- Outdoor yoga – Just not a good look.
- Dog park – I agree, it isn’t fair the dogs can do it but we can’t. But resist the urge.
- Outdoor concert – Peeing in a cup at an outdoor concert unfortunately isn’t uncommon. It should be.
- On your buddies house in the middle of the night right before a 2002 US World Cup match – Two people in the world will get this but they’ll laugh hysterically so I think it’s worth it including.
Q: I am going to a buddy’s wedding next weekend and my ex and her new boyfriend will be there. I am still very much single and very much not over things. Would I be horrible to skip it? Don’t use my real name. – “Dirk”
Skipping the wedding isn’t the move for a couple reasons.
First of all, this isn’t about you. It’s your buddy’s big day, not yours. 20 years from now you probably won’t remember that ex-girlfriend but you will remember you weren’t there for your friend on his wedding day — and so will he.
Secondly, if you are a mysterious no-show, your ex is going to (rightfully) assume she is the reason why. Don’t let her win like that. Never let them see you sweat. That’s admitting defeat and giving her what she wants. Goonies never say die and you shouldn’t either, “Dirk.”
So just suck it up and go. Put a smile on your face and do your best to look like you’re having a good time — you probably will end up having one anyway. Be smart about your alcohol intake. Don’t seek out your ex, but don’t avoid her either. Shake her new boyfriend’s hand and look him in the eye when the inevitable run-in occurs. Stay through the first few dances then Irish Exit your ass out of there to go home and order a pizza. Easy.
Q: If you could hang out in real life with one group of friends from a TV show, current or old, which show would it be? – Molly
I love chaos and hilarity so I’d roll with either the Always Sunny crew or the Workaholics crew. It would depend on what kind of mood I was in that day. Both would be insane and a blast, but the Workaholics are more of a good-natured fun. I’d feel like I’d be able go home safe the next morning if I partied with them. Sunny, on the other hand, there is a good chance I wind up deported or dead after a night of debauchery with them.
Couple others that would be fun:
- Parks and Rec – I wanna hang at the Snakehole Lounge with Tom and grab waffles at JJ’s Diner with Leslie.
- Cheers – I wanna go where people know, people are all the same. I wanna go where everybody knows my name.
- Leave it to Beaver – About time somebody kicked Eddie Haskell’s ass.
- Baywatch – Duh.
- Dawson’s Creek – Just to run up behind Dawson when he is crying in front of Joey and pants him.
Lastly, I’d hang out with the Friends crew for the sole purpose of framing them in some massive conspiracy that ends with all of them going to jail for life. That’d be a Friends spinoff I’d watch. The One Where Joey Shanks Ross In The Yard In Exchange For A Carton of Cigarettes From A Man Named Lucky.
That’s it for this week. Everybody raise a tall glass of orange juice and let’s toast to the weekend! Thanks for everyone who listened to Ben and myself this week start our new morning show. You can hear us from 6-10am Monday-Friday.