Photo by Darin Kamnetz
Q: I had a bunch of great ideas for Halloween costumes back in January but have forgotten them all and now it is like almost Halloween and I have no idea what I should be. Halllllllllllllllllllp – Taylor
I know everybody likes to think they might be able to pull together a last-minute costume that just wows everybody at the party, but that just isn’t very likely. If you don’t have a solid, well-executed ‘stume ready to go, just punt and get a basic costume from Ragstock like the hot dog or the piece of pizza or something. Play it safe and just get a random costume that allows you to just blend into the party. That is much more enjoyable than trying to pull a rabbit out of your hat at the last second. It won’t fully come together and you will just spend your night having to explain to every single person what you are. Nobody has time for that.
A good tip from one of my Halloween obsessed buddies: keep a running list on your phone of good Halloween costume ideas you have throughout the year. That way you can actually be prepared for once, unlike me.
Or you can steal a dumb idea I had on Twitter the other day. Just be the random pop culture costume that was hot like five years ago. Show up at the party as twerking Miley Cyrus or Ken Bone or something and act like you think it is just the funniest, most timely costume of all time.
Q: What is the best way to have eggs? – Myjah
You guys read for this?! Hit the SPORTS TALK RADIO SOUNDER!!!! ****Explosion**** “Now TIME for Dana’s EGG POWER RANKINGS!!” ****More explosions****
- In a breakfast sandwich — Humans are responsible for many great achievements. Landing on the moon, the Sistine Chapel, Good Burger, but nothing can compare to the perfection that is a breakfast sandwich. On our show we like to say we make Mornings Suck Less, but full disclosure, nothing makes mornings suck less quite like a good breakfast sammy.
- Omelette – Load that beast up with some bacon and peppers and cheese and all that other good stuff. Nothin’ wrong with an omelette.
- Scrambled — Mainly because it is really the only way I know how to cook eggs. My omelette attempts end up being scrambled eggs like 95% of the time.
- Over easy — Hell yeah, I’ll dip some toast in those runny over easy eggs any day of the week.
- Raw and drank from a cup — OK, I have never done this but it helped Rocky beat Apollo Creed so it belongs on the list, alright?
Also, as long as we are on eggs for a second, hard boiled eggs are gross and smell bad. If you insist on bringing them to work you should be forced to go eat them outside with the smokers.
Q: Is there ever a lead that the Vikings can have that makes you feel “comfortable” that they will win? – Andy
Q: Hi Dana. Here’s one for Ask Wessel this week. What would you do if you won the lottery (practical and impractical). Keep up the great work! – Tim
OK, well, how about we start with the practical? I would finally do the right thing and build a giant water slide in downtown Minneapolis. The type of slide that Minnesotans can be proud of. The type of slide that will put us on the map. Sadly, I have tried reaching out to mayor Jacob Frey multiple ways and he keeps ducking me. So it’s up to me to be the water slide hero that this state deserves. I will never give up the fight, even though I didn’t win the Mega Millions on Tuesday.
Here are a few more practical things I would do, some of which were used in an Ask Wessel a few years ago but still make the cut in 2018.
- Open a warehouse and rebuild all of the original American Gladiator events + The Eliminator and let people come use it. Great for corporate team building!
- You know the huge doors they drive through to enter Jurassic Park? That’s how you’d enter my driveway.
- Buy up every courtside and lower level seat in an NBA arena and give the tickets to kids.
- Have an exact 1:1 replica of the Metrodome built and pay to have the entire 2002-2004 Minnesota Twins play an intrasquad game once a month and let me manage one of the teams and my friend Myjah the other.
- Buy an island and pay Jeff Probst and the entire CBS crew to come set up a game of Survivor for my friends and I.
- Never drive a car that wasn’t used in a movie again. Jurassic Park jeep, DeLorean from Back to the Future, Batmobile, etc.
- Start an Uber company for people who don’t feel like getting off the couch to go get something in the kitchen.
- Have a Price is Right big wheel and the wheel from Wheel of Fortune built in my house just because.
- Weekend at Bernie’s on Broadway.
- I’d rebuild the exact Cheers set in my house as a functioning bar and restaurant and let my friends and family rack up tabs bigger than Norm Peterson’s and never expect them to settle up.
- Pay noted-Donkey Kong enthusiast Eminem’s appearance fee for him to just come over to play Kong with me and enjoy non-alcoholic beverages. Offer him an additional $100,000 to battle rap me.
- Buy a food truck that just drives around giving people free buffalo wings all day.
- Buy everyone in America the style and team Starter Jacket they wore as a kid.
- Have a statue of Gordon Bombay built outside Mickey’s Diner in St Paul.
- The light rail is played out in the Twin Cities. I am going to build a lazy river that will transport people back and forth between the downtowns.
- And lastly, hire somebody to find a way to make all this ridiculous sh*t happen, because I wouldn’t even know where to start.
Q: You ever left the house and gone to the gym and gotten food instead? – Maria
Uhhh, yeah. Let’s just say that the gym I go to is in the same building as a Famous Dave’s and the people at Famous Dave’s know my name but the people at the gym do not.
I gotta figure out a way to revamp and step up my workout routine. Hit me up if you have any suggestions to break outta my rut.
Q: What is the worst possible candy one can give out for Halloween? – Adam
Here is a list of Halloween candy that you should be put in jail for giving out. I am serious. We should have undercover cops go Trick-or-Treating and they arrest you on sight if you try to ruin a kid’s Halloween by giving this crap out.
- Hot Tamales
- Almond Joy
- Dum Dums
- Good N Plenty
- Tootsie Rolls
- Candy Corn
- Raisins (WHO ARE THE PEOPLE THAT DO THIS?!?)
- Necco Wafers
- Circus Peanuts
- Those shady candies wrapped in unmarked black or orange labels.
There ya go. I would gladly eat a Reese’s Peanut Butter cup filled with razor blades and blood before I ate any of the above candy.
Q: What would be your strategy for winning survivor if you get on the show? – Snarky Cat Lady
For those that don’t know, I am going to a Survivor cattle call audition this weekend at the Rosedale Mall. As far as my plan goes, oh boy, I have a lot of ideas. First off…wait…how do I know you aren’t a spy SNARKY CAT LADY?!?! You trying to get me to divulge my secrets before we get to the island so you can blind side me?! Not on my watch! See you at Tribal Council, Snarky Cat Lady!!!!!!!!!
Alright, that’ll do it for this week! Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend. When we talk next it will already be November. Savor the flavor of this fall as much as you can.