Every Friday on GoMN.com Dana Wessel answers your questions. Music, sports, pop culture, whatever you want. Have a question? You can tweet them to @DanaWessel or email him at Dana@GoMN.com. You can read the Ask Wessel archives here.
Q: What is your favorite local beer? – Amanda
Whichever beer is currently in my hand and being tilted back into my mouth. I am not picky. Light, dark, hoppy, whatever. I really can’t tell much of a difference. I’d be much happier with a PBR tallboy than I would some barrel-aged extra pale hop cast base ginger infused small batch IPA.
I LOVE that we have such an awesome craft beer scene here, don’t get me wrong, I am just the type of guy who doesn’t get crazy-deep into it all. Is it cold? Cool. I’m in.
My go-to though is a Fulton Lonely Blonde. A lot of my friends assume it is my favorite beer. I guess it is? I mean, it tastes great. I enjoy it. The people at Fulton are great. But the only reason I started ordering it everywhere was because I was at a bar with an extensive beer list once and it was the only one I recognized so I just panicked and went with it. It tasted fine so I keep going with it. Now I even do that “ugh dang! You don’t have Lonely Blonde?!” move when I am at bars, just to feign like I know what I am talking about.
Q: What’s the appropriate response to a coworker clipping his nails at his desk? – Maggie
Calling the police, reporting them to HR, shaming them on social media and, as long as you have a strong alibi, burning their house down.
What is with these animals? A friend tweeted a picture a while back of someone clipping their nails on an airplane. They should be put on house arrest until they can prove they can be a functioning member of society again.
Q: You were so right [with your tweet] about how the Ninja Turtles should have all just used swords. How did Splinter make that massive oversight? – Andrew
Right? Some MASTER he turned out to be. If you missed it, my basic point was that all the Turtles should have been using swords. It isn’t like it is written in the ninja code (I am assuming, correct me if I am wrong ninjas) that every member of the gang uses a different weapon. The dual swords are clearly superior to the other three weapons. Was it a budget issue? Are swords more expensive than the other weapons? If so, why not start cutting back on pizza delivery, or at least start using coupons? It isn’t like they spared no expense with their costumes either. Those eye masks probably were just $5 of fabric at JOANN Fabrics. There must have been money left in the kitty.
OK, thanks for letting me get that off my chest. Sometimes I just need to vent. But wait, I’m not done yet.
So, the Turtles theme song says “Raphael is cool, but rude.” Well of course he’s rude. His buddy Leo was given these massive samurai swords to kill bad guys. Raph was given sais, which are basically just mini swords. Donnie? A long stick. Mikey gets nunchucks?! I bet they were furious.
Raph: “What the hell are these? He gets four-foot swords and I get these salad forks?
Donnie: “Oh, and thanks for the pool cue as a weapon you clearly found outside some dive bar, Splints.”
Mikey: “When we go run into Shredder I wonder what is gonna go through his head. ‘Hmmm who should I attack first? The guy with giant swords or the goon with sticks attached to rope?”
The other three Turtles are lucky to have survived a day in this awful setup. “Turtle Power” my ass. More like “Leo and Splints don’t care if the other three live or die.” OK. Now I’m really done.
Wait, ONE MORE THING. Were Leo and Splints in cahoots with Shredder the whole time? That is the only explanation. OK. Now the rant is over.
Q: Is cereal technically a soup? – Tom
How dare you? How DARE you? How dare you? They are nowhere close to each other. Soup is the food of the gods. Cereal is something that spastic kids with runny noses eat. Please take your garbage cereal take elsewhere, Tom. Sorry, still just a little fired up over the whole Turtle thing.
I am a huge soup fan, especially pho. I discovered pho about a year ago. The problem with me discovering pho is that I want to eat it every meal for the rest of my life. It is the best food on earth. Pho is the perfect food. I would bathe in it if I could. Wait, can I? Does anybody know how to make that happen? That’s what I want for Christmas. A pho bath.
Q: What top 5 movie deaths would be the absolute worst ways to buy the farm? – Scott
So I am not a very big scary movie guy. I was trying to recall grizzly deaths from horror movies I have seen but was kinda coming up empty. So I went this more lighthearted list….
5. Crazy chef gets his heart ripped out – Dumb and Dumber – Getting your still-beating heart plucked from your chest would be awful. But to have it be done at the hands of a dumbass like Lloyd Christmas AND he drops it in a doggy bag? Easy top five.
4. Patches O’Houlihan getting greased by the slot machine – Dodgeball – A massive slot machine falls on you the night before the team you trained pulls off the biggest upset in modern dodgeball history? Brutal.
3. Landfill drowning in a tub of beer – Beerfest – Sure, I guess you could say Landfill died doing what he loved — guzzling beer — but that still is a rough way to end things. I guess at least had a pretty good buzz going going as he made the journey upstairs.
2. The O’Doyle family driving off a cliff – Billy Madison – Man, Billy sure nailed it. The entire O’Doyle family was indeed going down….down a cliff on a bus.
1. Guy getting eaten off the crapper by the t-rex – Jurassic Park – The crapper is supposed to be a safe place where a person can relax and have some alone time. Having a prehistoric beast pull you off mid-rip is by far the worst way to go.
Q: Who was the Boss? Tony or Angela? – Adam
The only Boss is Bruce Frederick Joseph Springsteen.
Honestly, I never watched enough Who’s The Boss? to give an insightful answer here. My Tony Danza expertise lays with The Garbage Picking Feild Goal Kicking Philadelphia Phenomenon.
Q: Am I the only one that doesn’t like Mark Zuckerberg? Something just seems creepy about that guy. – Sarah
Are you the ONLY one? Really? I don’t know a single person who doesn’t think that dude is some creepy robot of a human. That guy is beyond bizarre. Imagine trying to have a conversation with him one-on-one for more than even a couple minutes. I’d be all out of questions after I asked him what the hell the point of the “poke” feature is on Facebook.
One important thing to remember about Zucks is how phony the guy seems. He talks about how Facebook is this great way of bringing people together and connecting the world. C’mon dude. We know you started the thing to creep on girls on campus that otherwise wouldn’t talk to you in real life. Between that, the horrendous privacy, the Russian ads, etc. and I wouldn’t trust Zucks to keep an eye on my laptop as I ran to the bathroom at a coffee shop.
Q: What sitcom house or apartment would you want to live in? – Scott
There are so many nice options. Barney Stinson’s swank digs in How I Met Your Mother would be great. That beachside house in Two and a Half Men would be nice. Any of the houses that Vinny and the d-bags lived in on Entourage would work, too.
But at the end of the day, there is only one right answer to that question. I’d want Kirk van Houten’s bachelor pad from The Simpsons complete with my own racecar bed.
Q: Will you go to the arcade with me this weekend? – Chris
Of course. I will go to the arcade with anyone, any weekend. I get mad at people when they go to the arcade and don’t invite me. Hit me up whenever you go.
Alright, that’ll do it for this weekend! Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend. Everybody get out there and raise whatever kinda hell is your favorite brand to raise. Talk to you all on Monday from 6-10am on Ben, Dana and Giselle.