Q: I am 24 and graduated college two years ago. An email chain started with my friends making plans to go back for homecoming this year. How old is too old to go back to campus? – Mark
Eh, that all depends on how you and your school define homecoming. Did you go to a school where it revolves around a big football game (big or small school)? Then there are no real term limits on going back and taking in the game and seeing old friends. That’s no issue. Go have a blast and keep doing it forever.
But homecoming is a lot of different things to a lot of different schools. For example, I went to St Cloud State for the first two years of college. Homecoming at St Cloud is just an excuse to wake up before the sun comes up, consume an unholy amount of booze, and do things that would cause your family to disown you. That’s all it was. I am pretty sure we had a football team when I went there, and I assume they played a football game the weekend of homecoming, but nobody on campus was aware of a football game taking place. In fact, If I am not mistaken, I am pretty sure SCSU has canceled homecoming because it was getting too out of control.
So if your school is like St Cloud, yeah, it might be time to punt. But that doesn’t mean you and your friends shouldn’t get together. Fall trips are fun. Find a cool city to go live it up for a weekend where there won’t be drunk 21-year olds barfing their kegs-n-eggs all around you.
Q: What makes a good Twitter bit? – Michael
Hmm. This is a great question. It is tough to really explain what makes a good Twitter bit. For those unfamiliar, a “Twitter bit” is something like a reoccurring inside joke on Twitter that your followers get and find funny. It’s a tough thing to break down, but here are a few keys.
- It has to be something that happens organically. It can’t be forced or premeditated. You can’t say to yourself, “This is going to be a great bit!” It has to be something you tweet about one time then decide to slowly keep doing it.
- It has to be strange. It has to be one of those things where you can’t really explain the humor behind it. It is something you have to see on Twitter and experience a few times. For example, my friend John Sharkman does a bit called ‘Jobs Ranked’ where he will tweet a picture of people doing construction and then rank the jobs. When explained out loud, it doesn’t make much sense. But seeing it happen on Twitter over and over again makes it hilarious.
- It must be original. Don’t cop other people’s bits.
- Repetition is key. Pound, pound, pound that stupid bit into the ground! Even if people don’t find it funny, just keep banging it over their heads until they finally give in and think it’s funny.
Q: Should you notify your boss/colleagues if you’re hungover? – Zuriel
This is a great work dilemma that a lot of people deal with on a regular basis. I say it is best to just be upfront and honest with your colleagues. Odds are they probably already know you went out the night before based on your social media. Nothing worse than getting a Snapchat from a colleague at 12:30 a.m. on a Wednesday of them doing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” karaoke only for them to pretend they “have been battling a cold” the next morning. Just be honest. You got after it on a weeknight. We’ve all done it. Just don’t tell the nosey/gossipy colleagues. In fact, never talk to them at all, regardless of your hangover status. Those people suck.
Bosses are a different story. I think it all depends on the type of relationship you have with him/her. I once had a boss that was always the most hungover one in the office so it never mattered. Seriously, an exchange could go like this.
Employee: “Whoa, last night I ended up in the backroom of an underground strip club doing flaming shots of Sambuca with Diddy, Sonia Sotomayor, Meat Loaf, and the twins from Big Daddy until 4 a.m.
Boss: “That’s nothing. Listen to what I did last night…”
But odds are you don’t have that type of relationship with your boss. So the best move is probably just to avoid them and schedule some “offsite meetings.”
Also, for the record, this was asked by a former intern who now works a badass job in NYC. I am so proud of her — for the job, yeah, but especially for needing to ask this question.
Q: How is the ideal buffalo wing prepared – and conversely, what are preparation methods that can ruin a blessed wing – Rand
The perfect wing should be a bit crispy, served piping hot, and with sauce dripping off of them. Think like a Runyon’s style wing. Wing places give you wet naps for a reason. Don’t be afraid to get your hands coated in sauce. It’s part of the fun.
The worst thing that is happening to wings (other than people calling chicken nuggets “boneless wings”) is too many places trying to get fancy with their wings. You see these stupid artisan wings with stupid fancy flavors and descriptions that include words I can’t pronounce. Enough. Wings belong deep-fried in the dive bars covered in buttery sauces. Take your “hand-crafted,” “gluten-free,” “farm-to-table,” “small-plate” BS and keep them away from our buffalo wings, ya jerks.
Q: Most depressing movie experience in solo outing? Me: 8mm with Cage. Me, like 5 other solo dudes in theater, watching Machine kill people. – Shawn
8mm is rough. That is the one Cage movie I never rewatch. Once was plenty for me.
My worst solo experience was that flick Shame where Michael Fassbender plays a guy dealing with extreme sexual addiction. I want to say it even got an NC-17 rating. I saw it at the Uptown Theater without knowing much about it other than that it was getting good reviews. I left the the theater and immediately went home and torched my clothes in a firing barrel a la Ace Ventura and called my parents to tell them I loved them.
Q: Pretty cool we might be getting a World Cup match in Minneapolis huh? – Adam
Naw, soccer sucks.
Kidding. Yeah, in all honesty it is pretty cool. Obviously still a ton of hurdles to jump over before it becomes a reality. Minneapolis to make the shortlist of host sites and the joint US/Mexico/Canada bid has to be awarded the World Cup (nothing is ever certain with FIFA). Oh, and we also have to make sure the world isn’t blown up by 2026. Tough to have a World Cup if there is no, you know, world and stuff.
Q: What exotic pet would you like to have as a pet? – Jess
I worked at the Minnesota Zoo one summer when they had an ostrich exhibit and I found them oddly calming and soothing to be around. I developed this odd sort of connection with them. I miss hanging out around those ostriches.
Plus, I could ride it around town and that would be super badass. “Oh, here comes Wessel. Rolling up to the bar on his pet ostrich.”
Q: Every generation seems to have that teenage comedy movie that every kid wants to get their hands on. For me and my friends it was Porky’s. You’re younger than me so I am curious what yours was? – Phil
I would say it was a toss-up between the original American Pie and and Varsity Blues. Both came out while I was in middle school and seeing either of them totally earned you a badge of coolness. There would be sleepovers that would revolve around the viewing of both Blues and Pie. You definitely didn’t want to be the kid at the lunch table that hadn’t seen the whipped cream bikini scene or didn’t know what MILF meant.
I wonder if this phenomenon still exists with kids today. It can’t, right? Every kid has a smartphone and access to everything the internet has to offer while they still have velcro on their shoes. I can’t imagine passing around an R-rated DVD in the locker bay is as exciting in 2017 as it was in 2000.
Three NES questions we will answer in rapid-fire fashion!
Q 1: The Boot [from Mario 3] is the best Mario enhancement. True or False? – Brian
Child, please. The boot is available on like one level and doesn’t even really do much. Tanooki Suit until I D.I.E.
Q 2: Better NES add-on: Power Glove or Power Pad? – Benjamin
They both kinda sucked and never worked all that well. But I gotta go with the Power Glove just because of the scene in The Wizard. “I love the Power Glove. It’s so bad.”
Q: Most underrated NES game? – Ryan
Tough since there are so many overrated NES games. Seriously, a lot of games you loved as a kid actually really sucked. But for an underrated game I’ll go Guerilla War. A cool top-down run-n-gun game that was a ton of fun.
Q: Rank the bro nicknames of other men, from most tolerable to least. E.g. I can handle “chief” or “sport,” but really dislike “boss.” – Dan
This is a highly subjective list and I feel like every guy’s will be different. Here they are from best to worst.
Obviously the dudebro in me shows when it comes to this list. I bet my top two are on the bottom of a lot of people’s lists. Judge away!
All right, that’ll do it for this week! Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend. This is the last weekend of the summer before the State Fair starts. No excuses, party like a champion.