Q: Of the 10,000, what is the best lake in Minnesota? – Beth
Whoa….hold on…you hear that? ****EXPLODING NOISE**** IT’S TIME FOR MINNESOTA LAKE POWER RANKINGSSSSS!
1. Big Trout Lake – Crosslake Minnesota – So many happy memories on that lake. Number one with a bullet. Plus, it links up with Moonlite Bay and a little piece of paradise known as Party Island.
2. Any lake that connected to a Zorbaz – Nothing better than pulling the boat up to a ‘Baz for a day filled with zummer happinezz.
3. Lake Superior – I feel like you can’t have a Minnesota Lake Power Rankings without the one lake of the 10,000 that is considered “Great.”
4. Lake of the Isles – Far better than Lake Calhoun. It was featured in the cinematic classic D2: Mighty Ducks and features much less shirtless dude-bros.
5. Cedar Lake – Hidden beach FTW.
Q: Have we always had dumb national holidays like pizza day or is that something new? – Sarah
They have always been around. We are just much more aware of them these days because of social media. It is kind of like how we are more aware of anniversaries of events. Social media makes it easier to tell everyone it is ‘National Rub Tabasco Sauce in the Eyes of a Sworn Enemy Day’ than it was in 1975. These holidays also get a lot of run because of branding. Chipotle knows it can get a ton of social media attention if they give out a $2 off coupon on ‘National Eat at a Burrito Place Known for Giving People Diarrhea Day.’
People get their undies in a wad over these holidays but I find them pretty harmless. National Cheeseburger Day? Great! Perfect excuse to go get a cheeseburger for dinner rather than cooking. Nothing wrong with that.
Q: Do you think they should implode the Uptown Arby’s? Full explosives, etc. – Ryan
Ideally they would just let that beautiful monument stand forever as it slowly gets eroded by time, much like the Roman Colosseum or Stonehenge. But sadly that just won’t happen. It will be gone soon, just a memory of a forgotten dream. Sad.
So do I want them to implode it? HELL MOTHERFU*KIN YES!!!!! The worst part about the Metrodome being torn down was they slowly did it piece by piece. The ol’ Baggy deserved better and so does the Uptown Arby’s.
I want them to do it right at dusk on a Friday night. Set up a perimeter so people can stake out spots days in advance. Let people gather on rooftops all over Uptown. I want them to blast fireworks before the implosion. Not just any fireworks either. You know how when you see a fireworks display and they save the best for last? I want NOTHING but those. Finale fireworks from start to finish. Full spread. The works, really.
Then everybody will join in a 69-second countdown before they blow the beast up. It will be a joyous celebration with the tears flowing down people’s cheeks, much like the Horsey Sauce drips out of a roast beef when you take a bite. Then, I want them to scoop up all the debris, load it into a cannon and blast it into the night sky, much like they did with Hunter S. Thompson’s ashes.
Wow. I get chills just thinking about it. I bet you do too.
Q: Since you are kind of doing an employees job for them by doing the self-checkout shouldn’t you get a discount on your purchase? – Marcus
Oh, I dunno? Probably not? All I know is that I LOVE the self-checkouts. I look at it like it is a sporting event or competition and try to get through it as fast as I can. I even do commentary in my head like it is a huge deal. “Oh no! Wessel can’t get the Sun Chips to scan on the belt. He is going to have to grab the scan-gun! That is going to cost him time! He will have to make it up on the produce!”
The other day I screwed up typing in the code for an onion and the thing locked up on me. I had to have the guy come over and fix it. I felt like such a goober. Ruined my whole day. GAHD! I am such a loser.
Q: Have any thoughts on Double Dare coming back? – Mo
Eh, not really. It was popular in the 1990s so it is back now. Everything will be rebooted. Everything. I bet they start turning old commercials into sitcoms soon. Get ready for a crossover sitcom starring the Shamwow Guy and the ‘Dude, You’re Getting a Dell’ kid.
Q: Say you were given a magic cable box that would allow you to binge-watch an entire future season of your favorite sports team. Would you do it and ruin the surprise of it happening in real life? If so, how long would it take you to watch? – Jason
Would I be allowed to have people over to watch with me? One of the big things I love about sports is that it is a shared-experience. I have met some of my best friends at bars watching my favorite teams. Sitting alone on the couch binge-watching games just seems kinda sad.
So if I could have a group of friends over I think it would be fun to binge-watch a Vikings season. Just turn it into one big party, ya know? Spread it out over a couple weekends of all day Saturday and Sunday watching? That sounds great. Plus, I would just pull a Back to the Future II and use my knowledge to bet on all the games and become rich as all hell.
I could also picture myself binge-watching all 64 matches of the FIFA World Cup. That is about five or so days straight of matches. I’d take a week or so off from work and only stop to sleep. That sounds like heaven to me.
Q: Dude you say Avengers is too long but you happily watch those dumb car movies? – Bryan
Um, excuse me Bryan but those “dumb car movies” have names…and those names are The Fast and The Furious, 2 Fast 2 Furious, Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift, Fast & Furious, Fast Five, Fast & Furious 6, Furious 7, and The Fate of the Furious. K?
If you missed it, I saw the new Avengers and I loved it, but did mention that it ran a bit long. As I said in the review, I am not the biggest Marvel fan ever, so maybe hardcore fans will be fine with the running time. Hell, I’d watch a 6-hour Fast movie where nothing happens but Dom and the boys sit around the garage ratcheting on cars and busting balls.
Q: FA Cup Final prediction? – Ryan
Chelsea will lose their second consecutive FA Cup final and will have a caretaker manager on the bench.
Q: You seem like the guy to ask on this. Should I buy and wear a male romper to a wedding this weekend? Or do I need to wait until after Memorial Day? – Batchers
Oh hell yeah, let it ride! Fashion rules are stupid. You do you. As long a the bride and groom are cool with it, I say go for it. If they are inviting you to the wedding they probably know you are the type that would show up in a male romper, but it still might be best just to ask.
I have a Pac-Man suit and my friend Holly once insisted I wear it to her wedding. I checked a couple times to make sure she was serious leading up to the big day. The last thing you want to do is have an outfit that is going to take attention away from the bride or get you some side-eye from grandma. Nobody needs that.
Alright, that’ll do it for this week! Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast the weekend! First gorgeous weekend of the year. I challenge you all to make sure every single thing you eat this weekend was cooked on an outdoor grill.