AP Photo/Frank Augstein
Q: Restaurants automatically give me a straw with my drink even though I don’t want one. It should be the other way around. I should only get one if I ask. – Chicken Fingerz
“I’ll take a Diet Coke, no straw.” There, I fixed your problem.
By doing this you will apparently be a hero and save the world. What the hell happened? Two months ago a straw was just a straw. A piece of plastic used to conveniently sip a drink. Now it is like the earth is going to self-destruct in in a week if we don’t rid the world of plastic straws. Honestly, we have shifted so hard on straws that I would rather have a cop pull me over with a kilo of coke in the car than have an old fast food cup with a plastic straw laying in the back seat.
People are really going to miss plastic straws when they are gone. Those paper straws are awful and the metal straws feel weird in your mouth. Don’t get me wrong, I am all for saving the animals and the oceans and whatnot. But I am also for making that money. So I am going to use this entire situation to get rich. That’s right, I am going to become The Plastic Straw Bandit! I am going to be a full-on straw bootlegger. I am already hoarding straws so I can be the kingpin. I am going to assemble an entire team that will loiter outside fast food joints and bars.
“Who needs straws? I got straws, got straws. Who needs ‘em?”
“Hey man…what you got?”
“I got everything you need man. Coffee straws, bendy straws, cocktail straws, silly straws. Whatever you need, bro.”
I hope you don’t miss me on the radio once I become the Tony Montana of the plastic straw game.
Q: Can you explain how the kids got in the cave? Seems like we all just accepted the fact there was a soccer team a mile underground without asking what the heck happened. – Ben
It was kinda odd that we didn’t really stop to question anything about how they got down there. I think it was because our initial reaction was to be horrified for these poor kids that we never really did stop to ask any questions.
But yeah, now that those goobers are safe, what the hell happened? I did some research my understanding is that heavy rains made it impossible for them to go back the way they came, so they were forced to go deeper into the cave. I guess that makes sense? I’ll be honest, I have never gone cave-exploring with a Thai youth soccer team.
I am just so relieved the kids are OK. I am also thankful we had something happy and positive to wrap around ourselves. The world kinda sucks right now and everybody is fighting about everything. It was nice to have everybody back on the same side and experience a W together. Forgot what that was like.
Few more things on this as long as I got ya here. Know who my favorite kid on the team is? The kid who ditched his team before the cave trip to go watch the World Cup on TV. That TOTALLY would have been me. “Yeah, guys, I…I uh…I forgot my water bottle. You go ahead and I’ll catch up to you!” Then I would have Irish Exited to the nearest TV so fast. Screw caves.
Also, know what else is BS? That these kids don’t get to go to the World Cup final. I would have ditched my hospital gown, grabbed an extra janitor onesie, put on a fake mustache and escaped from that hospital so fast. Dehydration be damned. I could get a Gatorade on the way. It’s the World Cup final!
Q: What should I name my dog? – Dylan
I always feel like the best dog names are always human names. So maybe just go with Dana? Works with both genders.
Here are a few others to consider:
- Captain Geech
- Nathaniel Hornblower
- Cornholio (Corn for short)
- Tahitian Treat.
Q: Ask Wessel question for ya. Rank the summer months. Just talking June, July and August. I go August number one because the Vikings start camp and Fair. Then July because of the 4th of July. June is last. You? – Marty
Oh Marty, Marty, Marty. You got it all wrong my man. The summer months go in numerical order.
- June – The thrill and endless possibility of summer is still ahead of you. There is a certain magic in the air. Could this be the summer you find your true love? Could this be the summer that your neighborhood is being threatened to be bulldozed for a golf course and you and your friends go on an adventure to find One-Eyed Willie’s gold to save the neighborhood? The sky’s the limit in June. Plus, my birthday is on the 30th of June. Automatic top spot.
- July – The 4th is probably the best holiday on the calendar. July is still nice because it is the halfway point of summer. The dog days haven’t set in yet. Summer concert season is in full swing.
- August – Far and away number three. I am just ready for it all to be over at this point. I don’t have any statistics to back this up, but it always seems like the hottest, most humid, buggiest time of the year. Everybody has had their boat and beach fun and I’m just ready to move on to fall. Screw August.
Q: Who do you want to win [the World Cup final]? – Drew
Ugh, I am sorry, but I am about to be a major That Guy. I am bummed to admit it but I am “I Am Just Hoping For A Good Match’ Guy. I can’t help it! Both teams are very likeable. What Croatia has been through to reach the final is just remarkable. Their last three games have gone to extra time which means they have played an ENTIRE extra match than other teams. That is just nuts. You have to wonder what they left against France, but then again, it is a World Cup final. Time to go for broke.
I also really dig the French team. Kante has been the most underappreciated player of this entire World Cup. Kylian Mbappe is about to become a household name. Even Pogba has been more likeable than normal (not wearing a Manchester United shirt has a lot to do with it).
My fear is that France will get up 1-0 early and just coast to an easy win. We haven’t had a truly great final in a while and it would be amazing to cap off the best World Cup of my lifetime with one more moment that causes you to drop your beer, yell “holy sh*t” and hug a stranger. Here’s hoping.
My heart says Croatia will finish this miraculous run 1-0. My brain tells me France will roll 2-0. Either way, it’s the World Cup final and I cannot wait.
Alright, that’ll do it for this week! Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! Everybody get out there and do your best to keep the dream alive.