Every Friday on GoMN.com Dana Wessel answers your questions. Music, sports, pop culture, whatever you want. Have a question? You can tweet them to @DanaWessel or email him at Dana@GoMN.com. You can read the Ask Wessel archives here.
Q: Which fallout shelters in the Twin Cities have the best beer selection? – Dave
New bar idea!!! If you are a frequent reader, you know I had an idea for a college bar called Shotzzz a few weeks ago. The concept was a bar that served cheap booze – and even cheaper food – to drunk, stupid college kids. But the marketplace has shifted recently and when the marketplace shifts, you must adjust with it. I learned that in business school*.
*Please note I never went to business school.
Shotzzz will have to go on the back burner while we deal with this whole “the world could blow up at any moment” thing.
My new bar… Bunkerzzz. I am going to buy up some prime underground bunker real estate and open up a series of fallout shelters/bars. I mean, when this big rock we call home starts glowing, we’re gonna wanna be lit. Standard bar food will be tough to stockpile, so instead we will have a couple thousand cans of Chunky Soup and enough beef jerky to feed the tigers at the zoo for a few months.
“Bunkerzzz… when you’re here, you’re family…. and because the world is about to end.”
Q: I know you are a big Letterman guy. Who do you want to see him interview on his new show? – Mike
I don’t care. I really don’t. Anybody. It doesn’t matter. I am just happy Dave is back. I’d watch the show even if it was just Dave interviewing an inanimate object for an hour each episode. “In tonight’s show, Dave will have a conversation with a toaster. Next week, Dave welcomes the rusted-out carburetor from a 1985 Ford Thunderbird.” I am just happy Dave is back in my life. The details are irrelevant.
What makes this news even better is that Dave won’t be shackled by the normal conventions that come with being on network television. This is Dave in international waters, baby. Anything (well, for the most part) goes. It will be a nice change of pace from the current late-night landscape which has turned into more of an ass-kissing contest than actual interviews. Long live King Dave.
Q: I have a cold. What’s the official Ask Wessel method for getting rid of them so I’m no longer a whiny manchild? – Ryan
Easy answer. An ice-cold Pedialyte and vodka cocktail. Pedialyte helps get your fluids and alcohol kills germs. This is just simple science, Ryan. You should have paid more attention in school.
Q: Wouldn’t it be a nice change of pace if the underdog didn’t win for once in a sports movie? – Nick
Definitely! Other than the original Rocky, Rocky Balboa, Creed, Bad News Bears, Tin Cup, Friday Night Lights (the movie and quite often in the TV series), A League of Their Own, Little Big League, Cool Runnings, Mystery Alaska, Tin Cup, and Kingpin, the good guy always wins. Oh, and don’t forget about Karate Kid III where Daniel-San turns on Mr Miyagi and kills him on the top of the mountain. OK, I was kidding about the last one. But nobody remembers Karate Kid III so you probably did a double-take there for a second and believed me.
You could make an argument that the good guys losing in the end of the sports movie is as big of a cliche as the come-from-behind-last-second victory. Maybe why that’s we love sports movies so much. YA JUST NEVA KNO.
Q: Why do mannequins need nipples? Top 5 list of more unnecessary things than that? – Patrick
I think the main reason is so kids have something to giggle about when they are forced to go shopping with their parents.
Five other very unnecessary things:
Voicemail apps on phones – Just send me a text message like an adult.
Snacks and frozen pizzas with low sample sizes on the nutritional facts – C’mon. We both know there is a good chance I house this whole thing. Just give it to me straight. Nobody is eating one slice of a frozen ‘za or four Cheez-Its.
Learning cursive in elementary school – Just teach the kids how to sign their name in cursive and then spend the other 500 hours you made us sit through handwriting class teaching us practical sh*t.
Jennifer Aniston – Just don’t get the appeal.
Small plates at restaurants – No. Give me a real plate. I don’t want a small plate to share.
Q: The woman in the cube next to me complains EVERY day about how hard it is to wake up. We don’t have to be at work until nine. That isn’t even that early. It’s really annoying. What other things should adults not be able to complain about? – Megan
Hmmm. It’s pretty hypocritical of me to shame complainers since I have never shied away from bitching about something that bugs me. But I think we could all tone it down as adults when it comes to complaining about hangovers. I was saying this on the show this week. If you’re gonna be dumb, you gotta be tough.
We all know the impact alcohol has on our body, especially as we get older. If you start your morning with a boozy brunch, then end up on a rooftop all afternoon, all before closing the bar down with shots at karaoke, you’re going to feel like a zombie from The Walking Dead the next day. I mean, don’t get me wrong, you’re gonna have a great Saturday, but a real sh*tty Sunday. That’s just part of the deal. Grab a Gatorade, go for a walk, and tough it out.
Oh, and anyone under the age of 25 should never be allowed to complain about hangovers under any circumstances. Just wait until your metabolism goes from Usain Bolt speed to a snail stuck in rubber cement. That’s when the real fun begins.
Q: Better Late Than Never Movie Review: Terminator 2: Judgement Day – Scott
One of my favorite movies ever. Not only is this one of the finest action movies ever created, but it also has the special distinction of being the first R-rated movie I ever saw. 8-year old Dana Wessel co-conspired with his father to convince mom that this one was only rated PG-13. It felt like a successful ruse at the time, but something now tells me my mom was smart enough to realize the movie where the 13-year old said the F-word 50 times and a grown man got a metallic spike through his head while drinking milk from the carton wasn’t actually a PG-13 flick.
I am very excited this one is being re-released in the theaters in 3D. I am checking out a screening Friday and will report back on Twitter how Cameron’s conversion to 3D measures up.
Q: What do you think the most fun/crazy thing Joe Mauer he ever done? Wild Thing at Valleyfair when he was 16? – Popcorn Bandit
I know we all love to tease Joe about being bland, but the dude owns a secluded cabin where, according to his teammates, he recorded a rap album. Something tells me he is a lot more fun to be around when cameras aren’t rolling than we give him credit for.
Q: What is the most underrated video game system? And since you are a Nintendo fan may I ask that you give us one Nintendo system and one non-Nintendo system? – Ryan
Let’s start with Nintendo. My answer without question is the Gamecube. Great little system that got lost in the PS2/Xbox shuffle. Has a couple great Mario games, a couple great Zelda games, couple great Metroid games. So… yeah, it is like every other Nintendo system. But a lot of fun. Plus, it had the first truly great wireless controller. The Wavebird is still one of my favorite controllers of all time on any system. It just feels right in your hands.
Non-Nintendo? Let’s pour one out for the Sega Dreamcast. It was a wonderful system and a great last-ditch effort by Sega to turn their hardware department around, but it was just too little, too late. Most gamers had moved on from Sega, and rightfully so, after the debacles that were Sega CD/32X/Saturn, etc. But you gotta give Sega a lot of credit. They kept Nintendo on their toes during a time where they were the only game in town. They showed the Sonys and the Microsofts of the world that the plumber could be taken down.
Q: Where were you sitting for SummerSlam 99? Also rank the Mean Street Posse – Joshua
My dad and I were in some solid upper -evel seats overlooking the ring. We got there early and watched the wrestlers pull into the arena. Rock did a great bit when he pulled up. Got out of his car (in-character) and bragged about his $500 shirt and gave us all the signature eyebrow.
Mean Street Posse rankings
- Pete Gas – The name alone gives him the top spot. Trying to convince the wife to name any future son Pete Gas Wessel.
- Joey Abs – He was the only one of the group that could actually wrestle. But that isn’t enough to give him the top spot.
- Rodney – I honestly don’t remember anything about Rodney other than that there was a guy in the Mean Street Posse named Rodney.
Q: High-top tables are a conspiracy to make us as uncomfortable as possible so we eat and/or drink as quickly as possible so they get turnover. – Clarence
Although I am glad Ask Wessel’s resident restaurant conspiracy theorist is back, I must say I disagree with you here, C. I LOVE the high-top table. Makes me feel like a king. A king who is sitting a top a throne and having all the finest meats and beverages brought to him like the king he is! High-top tables for life!
All right, that’ll do it for this week. Let’s tall raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! Only a few more weekends of summer left. Everybody make sure you get out there and keep the dream alive.