Q: For one week you have to eat lunch and dinner at one fast food/fast casual restaurant. Unlimited funds. Which would you choose? I’d go Panera – Dan
My first thought was Chipotle because there is plenty of variety and I could keep it healthy by going with the bowl or salad. Then I stopped kidding myself. I’d get a 2000-calorie burrito twice a day for a week and put on like 20 pounds. Plus, I could picture myself going a bit too HAM on the margaritas and doing something that would make my mom ashamed of me. “Local man thrown out of Chipotle for drunkenly stumbling into the back of the kitchen in an attempt to help grill the steaks.”
I think you may have a good point with Panera. I’d go with them. They are open early enough for monsters like me that eat breakfast at like 10 a.m. because I can’t wait until socially acceptable lunch times. There is enough variety there that I wouldn’t get sick of stuff. Soups, salads, sandwiches, bagels. Yeah, let’s go Panera.
Eh, never mind. Screw it. North Korea is going to blow us all up soon. Week-long Taco Bell and tequila bender it is.
Q: How do you find it in you to write a lighthearted column each week? It feels like the world is burning every time you look? – Ryan
This question reminds me of a moment from my wannabe sportswriter days. I was covering the Timberwolves a few years ago and they were in the middle of a massive losing streak (shocking, I know). One of the more positive, joyful players on the team was asked how he is keeping his spirits up during all the negativity. His response always stuck with me. “Sometimes you just gotta laugh to keep from cryin’.”
I think he was onto something there. Things definitely suck right now in both big and small ways. It’s OK to be angry and outraged about things that are happening. In fact, it’s a good thing. But don’t forget to find things to make you smile and laugh. Whether is a loud stupid movie where things go boom, a good walk, or one of those adult coloring books people seem to love for some reason. Writing this dumb column full of Nic Cage references only a few find funny is enjoyable to me. It’s a sort of distraction. So find the joy out there. It sure beats the cryin’.
Q: Vikes gonna win the Super Bowl in our own backyard? – Shawn
Nahhh. Come on, Shawn. Be smarter than that. Something like 7-9 sounds right for this outfit. The Vikings winning the Super Bowl at our home stadium would be just too perfect for this state, you know, because of that deal we must have signed with the devil a long time ago when it comes to sports.
BUT because of that deal Minnesota sports signed with the devil you just know the Packers will at least be playing in the Super Bowl in Minneapolis. It will no doubt be the most insufferable two weeks in the history of this fine state. And ya know what? The ambulance chaser in me is kinda looking forward to it happening.
Q: Stranded island. One video game for next 20 years. Go. – Seth
This is really tough. I initially thought a great RPG like one of the Zelda games but you can only play through that so many times before getting bored. I contemplated a sports game because there is a lot of replay value there with season and franchise modes, but then I remembered how quickly I get sick of sports games. Would you really want to be playing FIFA 2017 in 2027?
So I landed on a timeless (and somewhat of a copout) answer. In December of 1995, Nintendo released a Super Nintendo cartridge that contained Super Mario All-Stars (Mario 1, 2, 3 and The Lost Levels) + Super Mario World. I’ll ride or die with my buddy the plumber for 20 years on the island while sipping on coconuts.
Q: Better Late Than Never Movie Review: Road House. – Scott
Man, Road House is a gloriously bad ’80s movie, and yes, I am someone who says that as a compliment. It has everything you could ever want. Tons of poorly choreographed bar fights? Check. Patrick Swayze doing badass stuff in T-shirts he must have borrowed from a kindergartner? Check. A bizarre romance jammed into a movie about bar fights? Check. An inexplicable scene with a monster truck? Check.
Road House is great. It doesn’t get enough basic cable love though, sadly. I just went down a YouTube wormhole watching the classic(ly bad) scenes. This thing deserves to be cherished.
Are they still going forward with the Ronda Rousey remake of this one? I hope they are. I just hope they don’t change the tone of the movie. This thing needs to ooze cheese like a plate of nachos made by a drunk. That’s what makes the original so much fun.
Q: Based on your likes/dislikes/interests, what job would the worst fit for you? – Tim
Basically any other job than the one I have now. I am in no way qualified to do much else than what I currently do. I learned very quickly after college that I can’t do any sort of office job that requires me to switch up my current work wardrobe of bandanas and dumb t-shirts. The thought of having to wear a suit every day of my life gives me crippling anxiety. I’d go open up a hotdog stand before I ever went back to the suit and tie.
The worst fit for me would either be an accountant or an NBA center. I can’t picture myself succeeding at either of those jobs.
Q: While playing Madden, is it ever acceptable to punt? – Jordan
I dunno. Nobody plays Madden anymore, Jordan.
Q: Who is the coolest person alive? But you can’t say anybody from a Fast movie, Nic Cage, Rock, or any US Soccer player. – Andrew
Wow. You really made this tough on me, Andrew. Rather than let my obsessive brain think about this for the next 96 hours I am just going to go with my gut and say the first names that popped into my head.
Oscar Isaac and Chrissy Teigen.
Teigen shouldn’t come as a surprise to anybody who reads this column. Big fan, just like everybody else. She’s just the coolest. I’d love to hang with her and John.
As far as Oscar goes… the dude is just cool. Maybe it’s because I have been watching a lot of Force Awakens lately, but I’d love to hang out with that guy. He seems awesome. “Happy hour? Sorry, I can’t. Me and my guy O.I. are making nachos and playing Contra. Maybe next time.”
Q: Walking down the street. You see some fresh cement that was just poured. Nobody is around. What do you write? – Mike
Seriously? You think I am immature enough to write something in cement like I am Bart Simpson? Well, you’re GD right I am! Here are some possibilities:
- Knibb High Football Rules
- Goonies Never Say Die
- Boneless wings suck
- The Band 2002 Forever
- Free Hat
- Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, B, A.
- Oscar Isaac – if you read this cement message, do you wanna hang out, make nachos, and play Contra? Email me. Dana@GoMN.com
All right, that’ll do it for this week. Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend. Everybody have a great weekend. Get after it and keep the dream alive.