Q: I was on a trip with some friends the other weekend. One of my friends went into my bag and borrowed a pair of my socks without asking. That is weird, right? – Jason
Yeah, that is weird. Very weird. Especially that they did it without saying anything. You should rack your memory and try to remember about any other socks going missing on previous trips. Your friend could have some weird obsession with other people’s socks, and, if that is the case, you should probably kick him out of the group.
Borrowing a shirt or a pair of shorts is fine. Maybe a pair of shoes as long as you aren’t one of those weird sweaty feet people like I am. But not socks or undies. The line must be drawn somewhere.
Q: You know the people who say, “I’ve read the book and it’s so much better than the movie, ugh.” Or “That’s not what actually happens in the book”….What is an appropriate response to these folks? – Sam
I am not going to sugarcoat it. These people suck. It is all one very thinly-veiled brag that they read books. Sweet. Good for you. The “I’ve read the book and it’s so much better than the movie” people almost always are the “Oh, I don’t even own a TV” people too. Just the worst.
Let me be clear: there is nothing wrong with reading books and there is nothing wrong with not owning a television. The annoying part is insisting on TELLING people that you read books or don’t even own a television. That is the annoying part. Nobody cares. It doesn’t make you better than anyone else. Same with cord-cutters. Cool, you don’t need cable. I do. We are both just blobs on a planet that is going to melt soon.
I am going to start countering the “book is so much better than the movie” quip by comparing the movie to something totally out of the blue.
“Don’t get me wrong, the movie was fine, but have you ever sunk a hole-in-one on one of those crazy minigolf courses where you have to hit the ball over a jump? Now THAT is somethin’.”
“Yeah, the movie was good, but nowhere near as good as the time I ate 70 buffalo wings and threw up outside the bar.”
“You know, as much as I enjoyed that movie, it wasn’t as satisfying an experience as the time I hit a stop sign with a beer can from 25 yards out.”
Q: So it turns out Eminem’s daughter is quite the [good looking lady]. Think Eminem would make a good father-in-law? – Jake
I would be terrified if Eminem was my father-in-law. Not because there is a good chance the dude is a complete lunatic either. I’d be terrified because I would turn into Chris Farley from the SNL skit whenever I talked to him. I have loved Eminem since 5th grade. Wouldn’t matter if I had been married to his daughter for 20 years. I’d still be a total weirdo around him at every holiday.
Me: Ummm umm Mr Emmmm…Emmm…inem. I mean dad. I mean, uh, stupid. I mean Marshall. Um, remember when you did that thing, um, at like the VMAs and then like all those other guys came out dressed like you and you were all like, um, “I’m Slim Shady, yes I’m the real Shady, all you other Slim Shadys are just imitating,” remember?
Eminem: Uh, yeah. What about it?
Me: That… that was awesome.
Eminem: Yeah… shut up and pass the mashed potatoes. You’re worse than the guy from Stan.
Q: Correct way to make PB&J sandwich: With or without regular butter in addition to peanut butter and jelly? – Myjah
Hmm. OK. How about we breakdown the ingredients in a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, shall we? The beautiful thing about the simple peanut butter and jelly sandwich is that all the ingredients are listed in the title. It isn’t ambiguous or left up to interpretation. It is all pretty simple.
First off, there is peanut butter. Yum! Peanut butter is delicious. That is definitely one of the three ingredients. Second? Jelly! Hell yeah. Nothing wrong with jelly. Also very, very delicious. OK, two ingredients down and no sign of regular butter. But let’s keep going. The third and final ingredient? Sandwich. Mmmmmmm. Everybody loves the carby goodness of bread.
So there you have it. A peanut butter and jelly sandwich consists of peanut butter, jelly and bread. No regular butter. Sorry. That just seems wrong.
Q: Rank your top Bruce’s of all time. What would it take for (US Soccer manager Bruce) Arena to pass Springsteen? – Ryan
I don’t know if there is anything he could do. I guess winning the World Cup might get him the closest. But even then… I am not sure he would top Springsteen. Maybe it’s just because I can’t picture the US ever winning the World Cup, especially next summer under Arena.
People like to bust my balls about the whole Springsteen thing. I get it. It is a bit odd. But I always tell people I sincerely hope they have something in their life that has brought them as much happiness and joy as Bruce and his music have brought me. If they do, they know nothing they think or say about my Boss obsession matters to me.
Q: It’s beyond frustrating that most restaurants opt for frozen fries when hand-cut fries are relatively easy & far more delicious. – Clarence
I’ll be honest, I am such a pig and get so excited when fries are brought out to me that I don’t even take the time to notice if they were frozen or hand-cut before shoveling them down my
mouth like the GD Cookie Monster.
Q: 4 points from 4 games. At that pace, 10 points in the Hex for USA. That total would’ve seen us fail to qualify in every other World Cup cycle since they started the Hex. Why am I not concerned? – Chad
Because there is absolutely nothing to be concerned about. The US is in great shape to qualify for their eighth consecutive World Cup after the win vs Honduras and draw vs Panama.
Qualifying for the World Cup is a grind for every country. We got off to a poor start in the first two matches, sure, but it was in two of the three toughest matches (home vs Mexico and at Costa Rica) of the 10-match Hex. Plus, there is no argument that the US is a better team now than we were back in October when Klinsmann got gassed. We still get to play Trinidad and Tobago twice which is basically a free six points.
Bottom line, we’re fine. We always have been fine. Enjoy the ride to Russia 2018.
Q: What are you most excited about regarding Wrestlemania on Sunday? – Jimmy
Honestly, the entire card looks pretty great top to bottom. If anything, I think the front of the card looks stronger than the back end. I have little interest in Brock/Goldberg or Undertaker against he who shall not be named. I think it should be a fun show all the way around. I haven’t been this excited for a Mania in quite some time.
Q: I walk into an establishment and order the “Dana Wessel.” Where am I and what do they bring me? – Phil
You are in a dive bar and they bring you a glass of water and confirmation an Uber is on the way.
Alright! That’ll do it for this week! Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend. Big weekend ahead. Green Day at the X. Minnesota United at TCF Bank. Final Four. 60 degrees. Oh, hell yeah! Let it ride!