Q: Which Minnesota celebrities should Taylor Swift to bring out on stage with her this weekend? – Melissa
Tay Tay has been bringing celebrities on stage seemingly every night of her current tour and she is in town this weekend. Woof. This could get ugly. Our biggest name, Prince, won’t even come out during his own record release parties.
It will probably be a Viking not named Adrian Peterson (could you imagine?) if they haven’t already left for San Francisco for their Monday night game. Or a Timberwolves player if they’re in town. Tyus Jones would work.
Hozier is playing in town the night before so he is another name that would make sense.
It’d be great if she strikes out with everyone she asks and it ends up being the guy who invented Rollerblades doing tricks on stage while Gary Anderson kicks field goals into the crowd and Wally the Beerman hands out cold ones.
That’d be worth the $150 StubHub asking price.
Q: The Muppets reboot: enthused, guarded, skeptical, or donnnnnnn’t carrrrre? – Stu
I have gone from guarded when it was first announced, to enthused after I saw that first teaser showing the format of the show, and am now down to skeptical after weeks of relationship drama involving two pigs, a frog and an easy listening/opera singer. Gross.
I understand what they are doing. Kermit and Miss Piggy are iconic characters so of course sending out press releases that they “broke up” leads to every news station in the country doing a puff piece that doubles as free promotion for the show.
To me, and I don’t think I’m alone on this, the Kermit/Piggy dynamic is the one part of the Muppets I don’t care for much. But, again, you poll a bunch of Joe Qs off the street and it is the most noteworthy aspect so it is smart to promote that.
Hopefully the relationship stuff between the two pigs, a frog and the singer is just a way to draw people in and won’t be a big part of the show. I want to like it. I really do. But as of right now I am filled with guarded skepticism.
Q: I liked your answer about starting a new band called the Flaming Undies. What would be on your backstage rider? – Stephen
For those who may not know, a rider is the list a band gives the venue of things they’ll want in their backstage area. The horror stories of high-maintenance bands and divas are aplenty in rock ‘n’ roll — and the Flaming Undies will be no different.
- 100 piping-hot buffalo wings served on china directly from the White House dining room during the Lincoln administration. Whenever the wings have been sitting for more than 10 minutes they are replaced with 100 fresh ones.
- A lazy river.
- The Joust platforms and pugel sticks from American Gladiators for my bandmates to use to settle disputes. Nobody may use them but us.
- A Van Gogh in our dressing room. No, not a Vincent van Gogh painting, but a descendant of his on-hand to answer any questions I may have about his life and times.
- A separate backstage room where the entire cast of Salute Your Shorts is ready to recreate my favorite scenes at my request. They must be off-script and ready to perform any scene from the entire series run. Some nights I may feel like watching them perform, most nights I probably won’t. But they MUST be there.
- An emptied-out 1.75 of Silverwolf Vodka refilled with the tears of a bald eagle. Don’t you dare fill it halfway with tears and then water it down. We’ll be able to tell.
- The exact bike from Pee Wee’s Big Adventure to ride around backstage.
- A bunch of cute puppies to play with.
- An exact clone of myself to handle all meet-and-greet and photo opportunities with the loser fans.
- Any sitting Supreme Court Justice to follow me around and read my Twitter feed to me, taking special care to read tweets in a separate voice indicating sarcasm when necessary.
- For our last song before our encore we want the guy who invented Rollerblades doing tricks on stage through rings of fire while Gary Anderson kicks flaming footballs into the crowd and Wally the Beerman hands out cold ones with a flamethrower. Can’t let Taylor upstage us.
Q: How much (money) would you need to fight Ronda Rousey and how long would it last? – Mike
It would last as long as Ronda wanted it to last. I have only been in a handful of scuffles in my life, calling them fights would be generous. So I certainly wouldn’t be even close to capable of doing anything to hurt her. I am sure if I tried running around the ring she would be able to track me down in less than a few seconds and get me to tap.
I’d absolutely do it for free, though. Getting your ass kicked by Ronda would be a huge badge of honor that I’d wear proudly for the rest of my life. A shiner or an arm in a sling would just make it all the more cooler.
By the way, how great is it that Ronda is going to be playing the Patrick Swayze role in the Road House remake?
Q: What is the best lunchtime meal for camping? – E. Rolf Pleiss
Getting back in your car and driving to a restaurant.
I don’t get camping. People did it back when it was necessary for survival and there was nothing else to do. We don’t have to camp anymore. Sure, that may lead to me not having any survival skills for the zombie apocalypse, but I am just fine punching out with the rest of the technologically obsessed than live in the woods with a bunch of yahoos who know how to kill-and-grill a squirrel.
Q: Where should a guy in his early 30s who lives in Maplewood move to on the Minneapolis side of town? Asking for a friend. – Benny
My advice would be literally anywhere other than Maplewood. I’d live under the Stone Arch Bridge or next to the dumpster behind Liquor Lyles before Maplewood. No offense, of course.
I’d say your best bets are downtown, specifically the North Loop. The North Loop — home to Go 96.3 — has a ton of new buildings and clearly appears to be the spot on the rise. Be a part of a neighborhood on the rise. I’d zero in on there and see if you find a place that feels like home.
You should check out this event that Explore Downtown is doing to help people make the move downtown. Think of it like a parade of homes except for buildings in the downtown area. Free to register and all that jazz. If you’re looking for a place downtown you might as well let them do a lot of the work for you.
Q: I am hungover laying on the couch watching Ballers, but it just ended and The Fault in Our Stars just started. I have no clue where the remote is. Should I get up and experience the side effects of my hangover or should I watch the movie? – Sam
That’s such a tough call. I think you have to find the remote since odds are it is somewhere nearby. You can’t risk The Fault in Our Stars being as terrible as it looks. If you had to get up and experience the side effects of your hangover while you drove to your Uncle Jerry’s place in Rogers because that’s where you left the remote, then by all means grind it out with Fault in Our Stars. But more realistically, it is just across the room and then you can be back in the horizontal position watching something much more conducive to your current state in a relatively short amount of time.
As long as we are on the topic, here is a quick list of the three ideal things to watch while riding out a Sunday H-over
- A low impact, relatively calm sport. Ideally soccer, baseball or golf.
- A movie you have seen a thousand times and can just mindlessly enjoy.
- Marathon of a dumb reality-type show. Chopped, Bar Rescue, one of those house buying shows, etc.
Q: Is fantasy football dumber than real football? – Brandon
I quit fantasy football a few years ago and couldn’t be happier. I suggest more people look into it because I feel like it drives everyone crazy. I get that like 95 percent of its appeal is is the camaraderie aspect of it. It is an excuse to get together with your friends, have a running shit-talking email thread throughout the winter months, and it gives the thrill of competition we all lost when our reality sports careers ended. But there are better ways to bond with your friends than making a $100+ donation to a pot you have no chance of winning.
Plus, it makes watching football so much more enjoyable. No more of the “Well, I need Rodgers to get at least 2 TDs but can’t have any more than that because I started Ravens defense and I am also going against Rodgers in another league” garbage.
Q: Bear Grylls brings a mystery dish to your Halloween party. Do you ask what it is or do you just dig in? – Dan
This probably contradicts what I said about camping earlier, but yeah, I’d just dive into whatever dish Bear brought over. He doesn’t seem like one of those weird food guys so I doubt it’d be bull testicles. It would probably be just twigs, leaves and some rotten fish he found. I’d just do it for the story.
I’d feel really self-conscious having Bear Grylls over to my place, though. I feel like he’d be really judgemental and make me feel bad about my lifestyle.
Bear: “So you have a bar here with a TV hanging behind it that is dedicated solely to playing old-school Nintendo games?”
Me: “Uh, yeah.”
Bear: “Cool. One time I had to kill a buffalo with a dull knife, skin him, and use his hide to keep my body above freezing to survive for 72 hours in Montana.”
Me: “I have a lot of the same Simpsons episodes on DVD and recorded on my DVR because sometimes putting in a DVD just seems like too much work.”
Q: Where’s your “first day of school” photo? – Anthony
What a boss. So much cuter than all of your kids. Have a great weekend, everyone. More next week. Keep sending your questions.