Q: Wife was on a well-deserved trip for 4 days which left me solely caring for our 3 kids under 3 [years old]. I now have a balance to cash in a trip of my own. Suggestions? – Murph
Oh, come on Murph. That isn’t how relationship works. It isn’t a contest and nobody ever owes the other anything. You guys are a team!
OK, I think it is safe. Hopefully my wife Heather bought that answer and moved onto the next question.
You gotta go big. You gotta do a Cannonball Run. For those that don’t know, Cannonball Run was a Burt Reynolds movie from the 1980s were a group of racers meet up for a cross-country race. I realize a full cross-country car race might not be logistically possible (or safe, but whatever), but you should at least add a mini C-Run into whatever you do. Boys golf weekend? Last team from Minneapolis to Craguns pays green fees for the weekend. Twins series in Chicago? Losers pay for beer the entire weekend. It’s a great way to add some excitement to a standard weekend getaway.
Q: Which team would you rather pull off a miracle and win the championship? Wolves or Wild? – Matt
Miracle is the key to this question, Matt. Looks like another short spring playoff season for the Wild and an equally quick exit for the Wolves.
But I love hypotheticals! It is really the only way to talk about teams winning anything in this town. I guess I would rather have the Wild win a Stanley Cup than the Wolves lift whatever the hell they call that ugly basketball ‘phy. It just feels weird we don’t have a Stanley Cup in this state. Time for that to end.
Plus, if we won a Cup, we could all recreate this photo.
Minnesota fans and their North Stars car: pic.twitter.com/GfcE8LHA
— SI Vault (@si_vault) September 20, 2012
Q: So I got dumped recently man. Won’t bore you with the story, just ask my question. If I max out a credit card on a trip to Hawaii am I guaranteed to meet a woman who looks like Mila Kunis who falls in love with me and inspires me to follow my dreams? Forgetting Sarah Marshall was on TV today in case you couldn’t tell. – Jake
I love FSM. It is definitely a “Drop what I am doing on a Saturday afternoon and finish it” kinda movie. But it is one of the more unrealistic movies ever made. There are aspects of this movie that make Armageddon look flat out plausible by comparison.
This is what happens in that movie when you really break it all down (decade spoiler alert!): A schlubby dude gets dumped by a gorgeous actress, flies to Hawaii on a whim, ends up staying at the same resort as the gorgeous actress ex-girlfriend and the rockstar she cheated on him with, somehow ends up hooking up with the hottest local on the island, then hooks up with his gorgeous ex behind the back of the hot local, becomes amicable buddies with the rockstar that his girlfriend had cheated on him with, returns to California and writes a play and the hot local shows up and forgives him and the movie ends with them in love. It is very clear this movie was written by a dude. Things like that don’t go down in real life.
Something similar happened to me once. A girl cheated on me a few weeks before we had a road trip planned to a Trampled by Turtles concert. I thought to myself, “Maybe this will be like the movies! I’ll take the trip solo and have a serendipitous run-in with the real love of my life at the show!” But then I sobered up, cancelled the hotel and sold the concert tickets.
I am not trying to crush your dreams, Jake. But if you are feeling like the universe is setting you up to have have a rom-com-style rendezvous, maybe skip Hawaii and try the laundromat instead? A lot of rom-coms have meet-cutes in the ‘mat, and it is a lot cheaper than Honolulu. Good luck, friend.
Q: If you were in a bar fight and one Mighty Ducks player had your back (not Portman because it’s obvious), who would it be? – Sam
For the sake of making this interesting, I will take out Fulton Reed as well. Either Bash Brother would be too obvious of an answer. This makes it a much more difficult question because, to be honest, most of the Ducks seem like they’d be awful fighters. Averman? No chance. Conway? Please. Cake Eater? GTFO.
I think I would go with either Connie Moreau or Julie ‘The Cat’ Gaffney. Here is my logic. The Cat got that game misconduct in the first Iceland game for taking out those two Iceland goons in D2. Also, in the second Iceland game, Moreau punches Sanderson in the gut in the “I am no lady. I am a Duck!” scene.
So if I have to swing pool sticks and throw barstools with a Duck as a teammate, give me Cat or Connie.
Q: Red or blush wine with Spaghetti-O’s for my afternoon lunch date? Oh, almost forgot, it’s the fancy kind WITH hot dogs. I’ll hang up and listen. – Scott
Blush is SUPER trendy right now. I feel like that would make a great pairing and look fantastic together on Instagram. Just wait until people get a peek at your fancy S’ghetti-Os and rose. You’ll be the coolest guy on social media.
This question is a good opportunity to bring up a rule I think people should implement for food posts on social media. Why do we only post the fanciest meals? I would have so much more respect for someone if they followed a fancy ‘gram from Spoon and Stable with a picture of the sloppy breakfast sandwich they made hungover in their undies later that weekend. Life is all about balance.
Q: My wife grew up playing piano seriously but has played only off and on recently. She’s getting back into it, and has asked me for a list of songs I want her to learn. I obviously want her to learn the Masters theme music, any other suggestions? – Erik
Oh, yes. So many suggestions. We had a piano growing up and I just banged away at it like a moron, never learning to, ya know, actually play a song. I kinda regret that now. Being able to play a piano is a cool skill.
Here are a few ideas:
- NBA on NBC theme song from the early 1990s. A total classic.
- The song that summons Dragonzord from the original Mighty Morphin Power Rangers
- Uptown Funk – Alvin & The Chipmunks version
- Chopsticks but ONLY if she plays a huge piano you can jump on like Big. Otherwise it isn’t that impressive.
- All 9 minutes and 38 seconds of “Bat Out of Hell” by Meat Loaf. Good barometer to see if she really wants to learn songs you dig or if she just said it to be nice.
Alright, that’ll do it for this week! Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the weekend! I think we have done it. I think spring is finally here. Everybody get outside and keep the dream alive.