Q: How long do you think the USW will keep partying after the WC? – Mikayla
For the rest of their GD lives. They’ve earned it. They are world champions. Think of how great of a feeling that must be? They can call themselves that for the rest of their lives and nobody can ever take that away from them.
I don’t think I could have loved this team any more than I already did after they raised the trophy, then the ensuing week long bender took place. Popping champagne in the locker room, Megan Rapinoe standing on a bar spraying champagne, Insta videos of them drinking champagne on the plane, them singing ‘We Are the Champions’ on the tarmac while, yes, you guessed it, still drinking champagne. It was all great. Such happiness. Looks like the only thing these badass women are better at than soccer is getting after it. My new goal is to buy one of the members of the team a congratulatory drink someday. They will never pay for another drink the rest of their lives.
I am still just floating after that entire World Cup run. My favorite sporting event in my lifetime. Here is how I summed it up on Twitter.
I don’t think it’ll ever get better than that summer in 2019 when Megan Rapinoe conquered the world. So much more than soccer, more than sports. So happy I got to witness it.
— Dana Wessel (@DanaWessel) July 10, 2019
Q: We have guy that regularly turns the AC to 75 in the office. How does one deal with a clown like that? – Chris M.
Have you tried calling the cops? Planting drugs in his desk? Perhaps rigging the thermostat with a booby trap so a poisonous dart shoots out whenever somebody tries to turn it to 75? Maybe tell him everybody is going to lunch and he should leave early to get a table and then just lock the door to the office and never let him back in? Hire somebody to dress up like Thanos, break into his house in the middle of the night to say “THE THERMOMETER SHOULD NEVER GO ABOVE 70 DEGREES IN THE OFFICE”?
OK, maybe some of those are a little far fetched. My suggestion is to pull an Office Space and make him go work in the basement where he can make it as hot he wants. Then the rest of you don’t need to be pitting out your dress shirts and leaving khaki-swass on seats in the meeting room when you stand up.
Q: Ask Wessel question: when is the funniest fart timing during the national anthem? – John
This question was inspired partly by a Tweet I had about a kid in elementary school who brought the class down by ripping-ass during the Pledge of Allegiance. It wasn’t just the immature boys like myself that lost it. Nearly the entire class was laughing, including the smart kids who typically stayed quiet. He timed it perfectly: “I pledge allegiance, to the ***FART NOISE.*** You can’t draw it up any better than that. It was LOUD, too.
The teacher understandably had a hard time getting control back. About half the class ended up in a timeout in the hallway. She then made us come back into class and re-do the Pledge in front of the rest of the class.
I think a National Anthem fart should follow the same format as the Pledge ripper and do it early in the Anthem when the place is still quiet and respectful. “Oh say can you see, by the dawn’s early ***FART.*** Or perhaps towards the end would be funny, too. But you wouldn’t be able to count on everyone hearing it. “O’er the land of the free and the home of the ***FART*** would be funny, but again, you run the risk of the crowd already being loud and cheering. Gotta do it when it gets the biggest reaction.
Also, save any HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT THE ANTHEM emails. Just having fun here. Would never fart during the anthem. At least not loudly.
Q: As a new homeowner what’s the best way to meet your neighbors ? Do you linger by the mailbox, wait for an organic interaction or avoid them all together ? – Jason
This is a tough question. You don’t want to be the overbearing neighbor that goes around with gross homemade cookies that nobody wants and introduce yourself. Flip side, you don’t want to be the new ‘bor that is so closed-off that the old guard immediately starts talking trash about you in their backyards.
I think the key is to wait for the organic opportunity…BUT you cannot wait too long. The new neighbor card expires. The “Hey, I am Dana, the new neighbor” move doesn’t work after a few months. You are no longer the new neighbor. Just the weird dude who took forever to introduce himself.
I got lucky and that my wife and I moved into our new condo building a week or so before the 4th of July. A bunch of neighbors were drinking and grilling on the deck having a good time on America’s birthday. I just cracked a beer and went down and introduced myself. Easy in.
So I guess that’s my advice: always move right before the 4th of July. That, and don’t go around with baked goods for the neighbors. They don’t want your gross pie.
Q: How are you gonna celebrate next season when brentford win promotion to the premier league? – Chris S
By buying a flight to London to watch Chelsea crush them in person during the 2020-21 PL season.
Q: What’s your top summer treat ? Blizzards, bomb pops, ice cream sandwich? – Jason
Blizzards are the cat’s ass of the summer treat and it isn’t even close. The only problem is they aren’t as accessible as the other two. But maybe that’s what makes them so special. They are a delicious treat you can’t just have sitting in a box in your freezer.
Second is without a doubt the ice cream sammy. Especially if it is one of those ice cream sammys that uses the cookies as the bread. GIVE IT TO ME!
Last, of course, is the bomb pop. Bomb pops suck and I won’t hear otherwise.
Alright, that’ll do it for this week. Let’s all raise a tall glass of orange juice and toast to the summer! Everybody get out there and do your part to keep the dream alive.