The Powerball has everybody and their cousin in a frenzy over the $700 million jackpot. Lots of people are talking about what they’d do with the winnings. Pay off houses, student loans, etc. Boring. 

Here’s the definitive list of what you should if you win. If you do anything that isn’t on this list you’ll just be wasting your money.

  • Open a warehouse and rebuild all of the original American Gladiator events, plus The Eliminator, and let people come use it. Great for corporate team building!
  • Personally fund a sequel to Big Daddy with the entire cast returning.
  • Start a company that brings puppies to visit people in the hospital, if there isn’t one already. (Update: There is, but you could always have more.)
  • You know the huge doors they drive through to enter Jurassic Park? That’s how you’d enter my driveway.
  • Buy up every courtside and lower-level seat in an NBA arena and give the tickets to kids.
  • Never wear the same pair of socks twice for the rest of my life.
  • Same with bed sheets.
  • Replace those hand-sanitizing dispensers you see everywhere with complimentary M&M dispensers.
  • Buy up every Big Buck Hunter machine in bars and replace them with 60-in-1 arcade machines full of classic games.
  • Pay the guy who played Jeff in Saved by the Bell to let a bunch of people throw eggs at him in a public square. How DARE you break up Zack and Kellie!
  • Have an exact 1:1 replica of the Metrodome built and pay to have the entire 2002-2004 Minnesota Twins play an intrasquad game once a month and let me manage one of the teams and my friend Myjah the other.
  • Pay off retail stores to stay closed on Thanksgiving so employees can hang with their families.
  • Float JJ Abrams some cash to let me have my birthday party on the Millennium Falcon they built for the new Star Wars movies. Invite Daisy Ridley.
  • Ship a fleet of awesome cars to a public school parking lot and have one for each teacher.
  • Buy an island and pay Jeff Probst and the entire CBS crew to come set up a game of Survivor for my friends and me.
  • Rent out Target Field and have a massive Mario Kart 64/Goldeneye tournament on the big screen.
  • Pay Craig Kilborn to come out of hiding.
  • Hire all the actors from Almost Famous to put on a concert as Stillwater. If they don’t actually know how to play music then I’ll pay for their lessons.
  • I’ll pay off Congress to pass a law that says nobody is allowed to say the word “pouch” again. Just don’t like it.
  • Never drive a car that wasn’t used in a movie again. Jurassic Park jeep, DeLorean from Back to the Future, Batmobile, etc.
  • Start an Uber company for people who don’t feel like getting off the couch to go get something in the kitchen.
  • Pay Twitter and Facebook to put a code in there software where anytime someone posts a picture of a thermometer their phone lights on fire.
  • Buy every physical and digital copy of The Blind Side and have them destroyed.
  • Have a Price is Right big wheel and the wheel from Wheel of Fortune built in my house just because.
  • Weekend at Bernie’s on Broadway.
  • Buy all the tickets to Disney World/Land for a week and only let sick kids and their families come in for free.
  • I’d rebuild the exact Cheers set in my house as a functioning bar and restaurant and let my friends and family rack up tabs bigger than Norm Peterson’s and never expect them to settle up.
  • Fund the research to finally find a way to get disinfectant wipes to kill 100 percent of viruses and bacteria. The perfectionist in me is sick of seeing 99.9 percent advertised with such enthusiasm. Figure it out, Clorox.
  • Pay noted Donkey Kong enthusiast Eminem’s appearance fee for him to just come over to play Kong with me and enjoy non-alcoholic beverages. Offer him an additional $100,000 to battle rap me.
  • Open a chain of bars that doesn’t allow cellphones inside.
  • Buy a food truck that just drives around giving people free buffalo wings all day.
  • Become a booster for St Cloud State Hockey and slide a bunch of recruits cash to pick the Huskies over the Gophers.
  • Pay Steven Spielberg to reshoot the ending of Hook so Rufio doesn’t die.
  • Buy everyone in America the style and team Starter Jacket they wore as a kid.
  • Have a statue of Gordon Bombay built outside Mickey’s Diner in St Paul.
  • The light rail is played out in the Twin Cities. I am going to build a lazy river that will transport people back and forth between the downtowns.
  • Pay every MLB team to bring back the bullpen car.
  • And lastly, hire somebody to find a way to make all this ridiculous sh*t happen, because I wouldn’t even know where to start.

You all better cross your fingers that I win. The entire world would benefit from this list. Good luck, everyone.

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